Im so desperate to know my identity i cry abt it in the shower

Im 17f. In 5th grade I was transgender ftm, 6th-7th I was nonbinary, 8th I was cis, 9th-11th (now) I just say I dont know. Sometimes I feel sick being a female, and I will want to be a man. I have day dreams where I have no gender identity at all. And sometimes I love being feminine. I get really upset sometimes because I want to have an identity and not be confused but physically I am extremely feminine and I dont like that. I dress masculine, look feminine. I feel better about being called handsome than I do being called pretty, I kinda hate being called anything other than handsome and cute. I also feel identity with some neopronouns but how am I supposed to tell people that when I cant even give them a gender identity. Anytime ive used anything but she/her ive still been called she/her. She is okay I guess but id really prefer he or they or neos. I dont feel right in the body im in rn but I know i will in a few weeks. When I can be masculine or nonbinary I really stick to that. For a while I was thinking about coming out as ftm but I also feel like a woman and like nonbinary sometimes so that wouldn't really make sense. I barely know any of the genders, I know trans, none binary and gender fluid. Idk if gender fluid works here bc I just cant see myself identifying with that but its kinda absolutely whats going on here. For a bit I tried gender apathetic but I absolutely do care. I dont want peoole to stress keeping up with what I feel that day either. everyone defaults to she with me. Im also scared of my gender conflicting with my sexuality which I dont even know what that is Bc I like men, women, non binary, gender fluid, everyone. Id date anyone everyone is attractive and hot. Im pretty sure thats pansexual but idk what im talking about, the only lgbtq people I have ever talked too were bisexual or trans and there is like hundreds of things that could describe how I feel!!! Im kinda overwhelmed, im also scared people won't accept me. I came out as bisexual to my family years ago but they constantly bully me abt "never bringing a girl home" and I overheard my mom say it was for attention, when I confronted her she said she didnt say that so idk.

TL;DR: I feel masculine, feminine and non conforming on different days, I prefer they/he pronouns. I find everyone attractive and lovable