I don’t really know how to start this, but I need to put it somewhere.

I’ve been struggling with disordered eating since my early teens. I’m an adult now, and this has been part of my life for as long as I can remember.

Food equals safety for me.

When things feel overwhelming or empty, eating is the one thing that makes me feel grounded. And when I binge, I don’t mean overeating — I mean eating in a frenzy, dissociated, huge amounts, until I feel physically sick.

My weight has gone up and down my entire life.
Restriction, control, collapse. Over and over again.
What never stops — and this might be the worst part — is the mental noise.


In the background of my mind, constantly: food
calories
weight
losing weight
not gaining
losing more


It’s always there. Even when I’m doing something else. Even when I’m “okay”.
I don’t remember what it feels like to have mental space without food and weight thoughts running underneath everything.

Important context:
The bingeing itself has been there since my teens.
The compensatory behaviors escalated later.
For a few years now, I’ve been using laxatives daily, and I’ve also been using Orlistat to compensate.

My current pattern:
heavy restriction or starving during the day
bingeing at night
laxatives and Orlistat to compensate
waking up nauseous, ashamed, exhausted
repeating the cycle

I don’t vomit, but the laxatives are constant now. I know how dangerous that is. I know what it does to my body. But stopping feels terrifying — like giving up the only thing keeping everything from spiraling again.

What scares me most is how normal this feels.
I don’t know how to eat without either strict control or complete chaos. 
I don’t know who I am without constantly thinking about weight loss.

I’m not looking for diet tips.
I’m not looking for “just eat balanced” or “have discipline”.
I’m asking:
Has anyone else lived with this constant food and weight obsession for most of their life?
Has anyone stopped laxative abuse without everything falling apart?

How do you even begin when this started so early and never really stopped?

I’m tired.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life inside my head like this.
And I’m scared of what happens if nothing changes.

Thanks for reading.
Thanks for your help. 

Lifelong binge cycle, later laxative abuse, constant food obsession. I’m exhausted