I am a horrible person and I have enjoyed it.

I wish I could say that growing up in poverty, being in a gang, or being desperate for a way out of the hood justified my behavior but I know doesn’t.

When I was able to make an opportunity for myself I commissioned into the U.S. Army, joining a maneuver branch. I’ve always been comfortable with violence, so the career felt like a natural fit. I completed a BA and I’m close to finishing a master’s in economics. I have saved aggressively and am prepared for any emergencies, and feel I should be proud and happy with myself but I am not.

The crux of this is that I’m not a good person and I don’t mean it in the fake fucking Reddit way where someone is looking for sympathy or validation, I am legit not a good man. I’ve cheated on every woman I’ve ever called my girlfriend, multiple times and am very much unrepentant about it. I wouldn’t even know where to start with being faithful. The idea of not having other women even if in a relationship seems just fucking absurd when I can just have everything I want. My lying comes just as easily which is no surprise . I know when I can’t lie when the consequences would be immediate and the blowback would be significant but otherwise I see no real obligation to tell the truth. A lie is simpler and I don’t believe I owe honesty to anyone.

Jealousy and envy have always been constants. I’ve have always taken pleasure in other people’s losses, especially if i thought they have wrong me. A man I knew wrecking his 1981 Cadillac, a cucking classic car and someone I once had beef with getting locked up for twenty years.It feels fucking great watching thise I dislike struggle. Recently, I have been fucking another man’s wife after months of planning and talking her into it. Its not like I truly wanted here, its just that she was so persistent and smug on how faithful she was that I had to try. I know I live like a base animal, but fuck it why not? Life is short and can be fucking brutal. Why not take every pleasure available?

This post isn’t real about talking about how shitty I have been because I can make a list stretching days on all the petty, harmful, cruel actions I have taken, though. It’s really about what’s happened over the few months

For most of my life, distraction have worked. Work, sex, drinking, cigars, lifting, gaming, I always had something to do to enjoy myself. Now it doesn’t work anymore.l like a light switched turned off of some shit similar. I have sex and immediately think about the next woman I can fuck. I always felt relaxed and haopy when drunk now it has turned to anger. I leave the gym feeling unsatisfied as though my workouts just are never enough. I can’t even sit still long enough to enjoy a fucking game. My PS5 just rotting now.

I got desperate enough to start seeing a therapist something I genuinely fucking hate about myself and see as weak. She pointed out how absurd it is that I despise needing help but dont feel any kind of guilt for the shit I have done to others. Really what I want and need is simple, I want the old pleasure back. Im not asking for the world in any manner I just want what I previously had. Sure even I can realize how destructive it was but people cope with life in their own manner and fuck it this is mine. But she says that’s not possible. She says I’ve hit a limit that I can’t outrun myself with violence, sex, pleasures, or alcohol anymore. That I have to face myself and the chaos I’ve left behind.

There’s a woman I’ve been seeing “dating” feels to strong of a word. Of course like I said I haven’t been honest with her, and definitely not faithful. My therapist says I need to tell her the truth and end it. I know that if I want to listen to her, my therapist and try to get myself back to before or even in a better shape I that she is right in getting rid of this woman. I also know I’m selfish and I just don’t want to because I like her enough in my own way. She’s attractive, stable, driven with a great career, someone with a future. I like her and I want her to myself. But I don’t want her enough to stop lying and stop being unfaithful. But ultimately If I’m going to spend all this fucking money on therapy, then I have to at least attempt the shit my therapist says

I guess in the end, this is just a confession. One thing my therapist is right about is that I could never say this shit out loud to another person. This is the closest I’ll get. A fucking diary entry from a man who deserves scorn and doesn’t feel remorse. I think if someone actually reads this shit you can tell I don’t really like myself but that is just life.