False alarm? (Haasha 36)

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I love my crew, but everybody needs a little me time every once in a while. I had the afternoon off and rather than hang out with other people I had decided to relax in my quarters. After all, there are certain things just best done alone. Guilty pleasures that other people would make fun of you for, like watching the old boy band N’sht’ink or Backalley Boppers concerts.

There was also the latest Adam Landfill movie, Dumping Justice. According to human critics, it scored only half a star out of five and the most favorable review said the following:

“A grim assault on your sanity with visual effects so terrible they must have been hand generated by accountants with failed aspirations of turning finger painting into a fine art. In this latest cash grab for the once proud street action franchise, Adam Landfill finds a lost journal in a pile of refuse that implicates a mob hitman in an interstellar fashion show fixing ring.

At least, that’s the most coherent summary I can offer. With all the plot holes and characters present in one scene and gone the next, it’s difficult to find a plot within what little narrative they offer. In truth, most of the film is Adam childishly dumping garbage on vehicles and random action sequences which don’t seem to have any connection to a plot.

Due to somehow losing legal actions involving their own intellectual properties, replacement lead actor Frank Bobbins couldn’t utter any of the franchises’ previous catchphrases. Instead, he repeatedly and disinterestedly called out a new phrase of, “Get dumped!” He reportedly wasn’t even allowed to say, “One man’s trash is nutha man’s treasure.”

The only redeeming feature of the film is that Adam Landfill’s garbage truck never seems to run out of garbage, which quickly turns into an irritation after Adam dumps the 5th full load of garbage onto an enemy in the first action sequence. After this the hero stupidly comments, “Oh, no! My loads gettin’ light! I don’t know if I can dump anymore!” before screaming out “Get dumped!” three more times and somehow letting loose more full loads of trash. I don’t expect realism in any action film, yet this one sets a new low that even the drunkest Adam Landfill fan will find hard to swallow.

I can only give this dismal failure of a film a WOFL Award - it’s a true Waste Of Freakin’ Life.”

With such a sparkling review, I was curious to find out just how low human cinema can go!

But first, I needed to relive my youth and the catchy beats of the Backalley Boppers. And lead shrieker Vp’aal? Yeah, he can still stop by and ruffle my fur anytime he wants.

I settled in and pulled out an apple juice box to keep my first drink selection age-appropriate to the content.

As I hummed along to the classic “Raise your tails in the air”, there was a knock on my door. I paused the concert and put a silly grin on my face before answering the door.

Back when I was at the Terran Embassy, Skylar had taught me some fun human ways to answer calls or my door. Since we met close to Halloween, she tossed out greetings like, “Skylar’s Morgue - you stab ‘em, we slab ‘em!” I figured now would be a good moment to take a page out of her book.

“Haasha’s House of Horrors, please enter!” I called out and the door opened to reveal Jarl. “Here for your tail snipping appointment?”

Jarl looked at me with a mix of confusion and worry. 

“Is everything OK?” he asked. “I got a strange notification from Tac-1 that you need assistance.”

“Well… I have a pack of apple juice to go along with my movies,” I started out before cocking my head to one side. “The only thing I can think of is the pack of frozen fruit I grabbed from the mess hall is still a bit frozen. But I don’t think Tac-1 knows about that, and I don’t really need assistance warming them up. They should be at room temp in an hour or so when I get snacky.”

“So, nothing’s wrong?” he asked with concern.

“Everything is peachy!” I responded. I have to admit that’s one of my favorite human phrases.

“Okay,” he said as he turned to leave. “Sorry to have bothered you.”

I got back to my classic concert and the ballad “All The Stars For You!” I had forgotten just how good their synchronized tailwork was. 

I had made it through just two more songs before there was another knock on my door. With a sigh, I paused the concert which just happened to be in the middle of one of the raised platform dance-offs between the boys, always a crowd favorite. 

“Enter!” I bellowed out and Rosa stuck her head through the door.

“Tac-1 informed me that you require immediate attention of some sort,” she said in a tone that perfectly blended concern and irritation.

“I’m fine,” I answered. “I’ve told you that Tac-1 has been a little glitchy since I got back to the ship. Maybe run a diagnostic sometime and perhaps reconsider my suggestion of an attitude adjustment?”

“Tac-1 is functioning well within acceptable performance parameters,” Rosa responded with a snort. “I tend to trust when well-designed equipment identifies a problem. Are you sure you do not require any assistance?”

“Foot rub?” I asked cheekily, which earned me a death glare from my boss.

“I’ll leave you to… whatever,” she grumbled and stepped out into the hall. 

I turned my attention back to the old concert and the dance-off. For all that Vp’aal was hands down the sexiest of the five and had a voice blessed by the stars, I had to admit he was the worst dancer. Still amazing, but his moves were just a tad wooden compared to the rest of the band. If I remembered the concert correctly, it would be two more songs before he’d get his tail-curling solo in “But What About You?”

The dance-off was barely over when there was another knock on my door.

“Yeesh,” I grumbled. “Can’t a girl get an afternoon away?”

I paused the concert again on my datapad and then used it to open the door.

I glared at Auggie and Rosa as they stood in my doorway.

“Haasha, are you okay?” Auggie asked. “We keep getting notifications from Tac-1 that you require immediate assistance.”

“Nope. I’m fine,” I said firmly. “Whatever it is must be a glitch. Just block all notifications from Tac-1 and we can fix it later.”

“Where is your void suit?” Rosa asked with suspicion.

“I can’t remember. Most likely in my closet in Engineering. Possibly on our Red Cross vessel since we’ll be doing the supply run tomorrow,” I said tersely.

Out in the hallway I heard a pair of footsteps rapidly approach, followed by a third unwanted visitor at my door.

“Hey - I got a message from Tac-1 that Haasha needs help,” Doctor Franklin stated with worry in his voice. “What’s going on?”

“Not a clue. Haasha seems to be fine. Possibly a glitch with Tac-1?” Auggie responded slowly.

“According to the diagnostic systems, Tac-1 is on mute,” Rosa said after checking something on her datapad. “I’ll activate the location alert so we can figure out where the suit is and run a thorough check.”

A muffled alarm started blaring from my closet.

I stared intently at my datapad, restarted the concert, and turned up the volume. Then I did my best to ignore everyone and everything except my concert vid.

Auggie, Rosa, and Doctor Franklin alternated looks between me and my closet.

Rosa finally stepped forward and opened the closet door. All the coveralls and blankets I had packed on top of my void suit fell out onto the floor.

“Haasha, care to explain?” Auggie asked with a raised eyebrow and voice dripping with irritation.

I said nothing and just stared even more intensely at the concert on my datapad.

“I’m taking Tac-1 off mute,” Rosa said while reaching into my closet and tapping the wrist controls on my void suit.

Emergency! Medical Alert! VIP Haasha has gained 2.7kg in the past 5 days. Emergency! Medical Alert! VIP Haasha has gained 2.7kg…

“It’s pie week!” I bellowed out in rage at Tac-1. “Stop judging me!”