I feel awful to say this but sometimes I really wish they just d*ed

I feel awful even typing this out and will probably have to delete this post at some point but a small inner fantasy of mine is the day that they d*ed (of natural causes) and I can be free forever.

Single child, immigrant family, both APs don’t have any real interests or passions. Not much love in the family growing up. Never told them anything more than the superficial updates about school or work. Moved out of the house when I was 18 and increasingly to more and more distant places. Now I live halfway around the world from them but haven’t told them so they still think I live in location 2.

Never grew up around extended family either so they’re all I have.

Since moving out over a decade ago, and recently visiting less and less due to distance, I’m now able to see the physical and mental effects whenever I’m around them. Sometimes video calls are pleasant but more often than not they leave me with anxiety, shame, guilt and a ton of pressure.

But at the same time, at the core of me is still a frightened loving anxious child who genuinely wants to have an unconditional loving relationship with them… so there’s a lot of undertones of shame for moving far away and not being close with them to spend time together.

My AM especially has mastered the art of toxic abusive behavior while still keep me guilt tripped.

I fantasize about NC or one day receiving the phone call that they d*ed of natural causes- I can’t imagine the immense relief I’d feel (mostly from an underlying subconscious shame perspective). I’ve had recurring dreams for 5 years about being back in my family home to spend time with them and always wake up feeling horrible.

If they disappear I hope I’ll be able to sleep normally at night again.