I need immidiete help

16M I was lonely and bullied throught my life,had a few good moments these past months and all of it collapsed in just 2 weeks, i need help

I’m posting because I’m really struggling mentally and emotionally, and I don’t know how to process what happened.

I had my first kiss with a girl I cared deeply about I’ll call her Heart. It meant a lot to me because I’ve always had low self-esteem and hated my body, and this was the first time I felt wanted and hopeful.After that we kept kissing for a week or so,it was pure genuine love from what i believe cause stuff were getting intimate(like REAL intimate 'till she talked abt. inviting me over ifykyk) and she was talking about hugging me and stuff over text and she also laid on my shoulder everyday,but we weren't an official couple.I was genuinely happy, so I told my two closest friends (lets call them H and U) about the kiss because I was excited and trusted them.

Heart has a best friend,lets call her "Mind", who I was also very close with. I suspected Mind might have feelings for me, while I was falling in love with Heart. I didn’t know how to handle that situation, and in a moment of panic and emotional overload, I ended up yelling at Mind. I didn’t intend to hurt her, but I later found out I made her cry. She stopped talking to me, and I’ve hated myself for that ever since.

Because Mind and Heart were best friends, Heart also slowly stopped talking to me. She stopped responding, stopped sending reels, and kept leaving me on read. Around the same time, H and U confronted me, saying I wasn’t spending enough time with them and that I was only focused on Heart. After that argument, they also stopped talking to me. The worst part is that they told other people about my kiss with Heart, which made Heart very angry.H and U was really close with the main male friend group and i didn't really like the male friend group cause most of them was wannabe gangsters and they kept changing partners left and right so i wasn't a fan of them, after this incident H and U got me removed from the friend group and encourged them to keep bullying me.Before all these, as far as i can recall, 2 to 3 months ago, i went to a cafe with Heart to watch Formula 1 and it was fun, she sent a story with me,coffees and the screen and tagged me so i reposted it in my story thinking nothing was wrong,but the male friend group PLUS H and U made fun of me for 2 HOURS to the point where i muted the group chat

Soon after, Heart started dating another guy. That completely shattered me. I suddenly had no one to talk to and felt extremely lonely. I ached for human connection and felt isolated, often sitting alone and feeling empty.

Recently, Heart confronted me after hearing about the kiss again from H telling someone else. During that confrontation, she said extremely hurtful things;she told me to kill myself, called me disgusting, said I was a waste of breath, and called me a son of a bitch. She also told me to get away from her, to sit far, far away from her, and to never speak to her again. She told me to forget the kiss ever happened and threatened me. She blocked me everywhere. I want to be clear: I am not suicidal, but being told those things by someone I loved broke me emotionally.

What makes this harder is that I still love Heart. I know it sounds irrational after what she said, but I can’t turn those feelings off. That kiss was the first good thing I felt in my life, and losing it feels like losing proof that happiness was possible. Since then, I’ve been coping by sticking to a strict routine: school, studying, solving equations, going to the gym, and playing games alone. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally, but I feel no joy, just survival.

Her words replay in my head constantly. She shows up in my dreams, and I hear her name in songs. I keep blaming myself, thinking that if I hadn’t yelled at Mind or if I hadn’t told H and U about the kiss, none of this would’ve happened.

I don’t know how to stop the pain, how to forgive myself, or how to move forward when I still love someone who hurt me so badly. I’m looking for guidance on how to process this, deal with the guilt and loneliness, and heal without feeling like I’m broken forever and i also have nobody to talk to.I need urgent help,i've thought of killing myself but i kept on holding onto the dim future where me and her would be together but after all these i'm not sure if i can hold on any longer,all these is affecting me academically too.I don't wanna be sound edgy or something but i did try to harm myself like breaking my arm just to get Hearts attention in the past but my arm didnt break luckily.I apologize for it to be this long