The day you came and got your laser

I wanted to someday talk to you about this face to face, but I see that you and I may never speak again.. goddamn that hurts to acknowledge,

So

Damn

Much.

I need to say this. Because it’s still a whirlwind that echos such deep sadness and pain… and yet I still know for sure.

The day you came and got your laser I thought for sure you were going to call me out. I pictured you calling me out and me being able to show you everything I knew. I mean, there were so many things that I had done and said that I thought you would’ve brought up way before that day, surely that would be the day…

But instead, you crumbled. You broke down and said you were not okay. You said you were going to check into the hospital… that shattered me inside… I just wanted it all to stop. But you still weren’t coming forward, and when you said that, it stopped me from coming right out and telling you that I knew. I couldn’t imagine adding more to your plate in that moment….but I also couldn’t wrap my head around where you coming from.

From my point of view , you were the one with the “eyes and ears”, you had no intention of admitting anything. Not the app, not the event that I disrupted, the way it made me feel, none of it. I stuck between scared that you really weren’t okay and trying to figure out how this would benefit you if you didn’t mean it…. I was horrified by my own thought process, by the fact that this was now possibly permanent and the fact that you really could not be okay.

I wanted to break. I hated seeing you so broken. It tore me apart and when you left, I let any desire to disrupt sit temporarily in the shadows. I reached out to the people who I knew I could trust to have your best interest at hart, asked them to make sure you were going to be okay, I grabbed my shatter, got stoned out of mind and the broke down. I couldn’t help but wonder if the reason you were hurting was because you cared and didn’t confront me because it validate your leaving , or if you were truly in crisis….. and then I thought “what would I do” …

I would’ve marched right over to that cabinet door, I would brought up everything, the peachie Os, the conversations, all of it. I would have insisted that we go to clinic 2 together and I would be relentless about it.

Because I love you. Because I would never leave you to fall without a fight.

But we are not the same person. I asked my therapist about it who also had no answers about that day or your behavior. (They were also against my choices as well)

I rode it out. I decided to stay quiet and wait for the opportunity to bring it up another day, and I silently broke inside, I violently broke inside. still to this day I have no idea if you got the validation you wanted or if you ever wanted me to actually be okay in the end too.

And it still haunts me. The pain in your eyes. But you seemed to over come it all so quickly any way. Nothing stopped you from chasing others….

It all hurts so much, but nothing more than the lack of clarity.

Maybe I wasn’t worth the effort? or wasn’t worth your time?

Maybe you thought the dissociation was intentional, goddamn, I tried to fight it so hard.

I still dream about you. I dream about you telling me it okay, that we both spill out guts and listen to understand . …. No points to prove, no defenses , just raw, visceral facts and compassion.

Forgiveness .

The tears streaming down my cheeks and becoming cold on the pillow are what ideally wake me up.

And then I remember that I’m not pretty enough, I’m not young enough and every flaw that pointed out in that last few weeks screams back at me from the mirror.

And all I want is know why.

Why does this still hurt so much?

Why do I still love you?

Why is everything we had so meaningless to you?