I miss affection and intimacy.

Title says itself.

I missed affection and intimacy, adoring someone while knowing they adore me as well. No anxiety, no negative feelings around it.

Just sharing things, spending good time, hand holding, small kisses and cuddling.

Watching something together, discussing things, sleeping in each other’s arms.

I remember first time when I was hanging out with my first love, it felt so good I grieved it long long time after I lost the access. Then I got other boyfriends, who gave me these feelings again for a very short time and they left. Sometimes I left because I was scared of getting hurt.

After my last relationship I think something broke in me. I miss these feelings and closeness, but can I ever try again? I do not know. I am tired of losing over and over again and getting hurt. Everyone in my life made me feel like I am a burden. Maybe I am. I do not know. But all I know is I am terrified of getting my feelings hurt again. I really can’t feel like I do not matter or I am unloveable and not enough in someone else’s life. My nervous system can’t go through that.

I also do not have any support system. I only have myself. My friends are obnoxious and they do not listen to me most of the time. Even if they try to support me, they make everything worse. So how can I even put myself on risk when I am the ONLY one I can rely on?

I also hate internet and I hate talking to guys. I hate dating apps and I hate the guys at university. I think I will die alone.