Feeling constantly criticized by in-laws — how do couples handle this?

My husband’s family lives far away, so to keep them involved in our lives, I regularly share photos and videos of my children in the family group chat. I don’t always actively respond to every message because life is busy with two young kids, and the group chat is extremely active (dozens of messages a day), so I keep it muted and don’t check it constantly. My intention with sharing photos is simply to keep them in the loop since they live out of state and kids grow fast.

They’re upset because my “updates” are mainly photos and videos of my kids, and I don’t regularly engage in the ongoing conversations in the group chat. I’ve also been criticized for not consistently liking or commenting on pictures of their kids or every milestone they share. I’ll occasionally do it, but I don’t expect them to like or comment on every single photo I share either — to me, this was never meant to be transactional or competitive.

Despite this, I was told that I’m selfish and inconsiderate for not responding enough. It escalated to the point where they accused me of intentionally timing photos of my kids to steal attention away from their children, which honestly feels absurd and completely untrue. The idea that I’m strategically watching my phone and timing my responses to compete for attention is wild to me.

To add insult to injury, during a recent visit, my brother-in-law stayed with us while visibly sick. As a result, my husband and I got sick, and both of my kids got sick. It completely upended our household. Caring for sick children while being sick myself was exhausting and stressful. What hurts most is that this was entirely preventable, yet I received no real accountability from the brother who showed up at our doorstep without disclosing that he was sick or had symptoms.

Another example that really bothers me: I work remotely, and my husband encouraged me to bring the kids and travel to my sister-in-law’s house for Thanksgiving week so our kids could play together and stay entertained. I agreed specifically because I could work remotely from there.

During the day, I made an effort to come downstairs, sit with everyone, and be present — but I kept my laptop on the table so I could stay responsive, since I’m a manager. I wasn’t isolating myself or hiding away; I was trying to balance work responsibilities while still being part of the family gathering. Despite this, my mother-in-law told me she had a problem with me working in front of them and felt it was rude and that I was avoiding social interaction. Meanwhile, her eldest son is constantly on his phone all the time and at the table for non-work reasons (playing games, texting women, dating apps), and she never says anything to him. What’s frustrating is that I could have stayed home, had our nanny help, and avoided this situation entirely — but I made the effort to travel with two young kids so we could be together, and that effort was still criticized.

What makes all of this harder is that I’ve consistently gone out of my way to be kind and accommodating. Despite the judgment and negative things said about me, I still hosted them for an extended stay over Christmas/New Year, cooked 90% of their meals, and did so while juggling two kids and a full household. Their other son, who lives only two hours away, hosted them for convenience for just two days, even though the plan was originally for them to host about half of the visit. In reality, it ended up being closer to 20% of the stay cause it wasn’t convenient for his family to host them. On top of that, we were the ones who made it possible for my husband’s family to even get to their other son’s house by providing a spare car we owned. The result? The car was returned damaged due to my brother-in-law’s reckless driving.

At this point, I feel emotionally drained, disrespected, and constantly judged no matter what I do. I’m seriously considering going very low contact or cutting contact entirely to protect my mental health and my kids.