I feel deeply flawed

my social anxiety is so intense and painful. i have this deep primal feeling of shame and disgust in my core, more intense than anything i’ve experienced. i’ve been stuck this way for so long i don’t even know what normal feels like. this feeling gets triggered within me when i see people i used to know in relationships, with friends, flourishing careers and hobby’s. i have non of that. literally non. I cry sometimes because i can’t stand this tormenting feeling, I wish i could be normal so so bad. i seem to reject anything good that comes my way, i just feel like a complete fuck up i wish i could just disappear…