What does love mean? What does it even feel like?

Hi! I’ve been with my wonderful boyfriend for a year and two months!

When we first started dating I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him almost immediately. I think we were official the second date haha. Things have always been 100% with him, I’ve always known I’ve wanted to be with him. Even as I write this I know I want to be with him.

About two weeks ago I was literally just scrolling insta and I got the thought “do I even really love him?” And ever since then I’ve been in hell.

Everyday it’s constant checking. I will look at pictures of him to.. test myself..?? To test how I feel? I’ll think of him and all I feel is guilt or nothing.

So is it just the ending of the honeymoon phase? Or is it just me not loving him anymore? I hung out with him yesterday and couldn’t stop crying. I don’t want to break up but he deserves a girlfriend who won’t waste his time. I also admitted that “sometimes it feels like we’re just best friends” which made him sad.

I meant it. Sorta? I know I love him. I have to- the thought of never seeing him again, him dating someone else, never holding his hand again makes me feel sick. Listening to his heartbeat calmed me down enough that I stopped panicking.

I feel so anxious. I used to feel so overwhelmed with love, this rush of emotions, but now it’s just like… calm? Fine? Nothing, really? A sense of.. peace? So is this love?? Is this okay? I feel so terrible, he deserves someone who’s as passionate about him as he is.

I’m so sorry for the rant and appreciate any sort of comment!!! Thank you!!!!