I just don’t know what to think anymore

So to start this of, I’m an atheist. I’ve never had any believe but was really happy when others had something that kept them going, like faith in whatever religion helped them.

Lately I’ve felt really helpless, depressed and overwhelmed. I always try to stay positive and that but since the thing with the Epstein files I lost all hope in humanity and that just made everything worse for me (wich I felt guilty over cause there are people wig I have it even worse). I startet hoping that I won’t make it till 18 and stoped caring about my future. Sorry for the rant but now for the point of this post.

Today I felt this extrem urge to connect with religion, and the first one I thought of was Christianity. I tried to somehow connect trough videos and posts but I just don’t know how and I still have some doubt about me even feeling this way. Do I just feel the hope that there is someone that sees me and that really loves everyone? Is it because of the horrors that happened to those poor souls on Epstein’s island and everywhere around the world wich shocked me so much that I found faith? Am I just hormonal?? Whatever it is I just want to know if there might be a chance that everything will be fine, that there is someone waiting for me that loves me even though I don’t know what I’m doing? I also feel so egoistic because I never did anything for god, I don’t even think I can believe in any God I just hope, and still I expect to be loved by him. I’m not a bad person, I always trie to make sure everyone around me those I’m there for them if they need me and that I will always listen when they can’t do it anymore, but I don’t know if that’s enough for God to accept me.

I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I’m actually trying to get help for myself, because I bring myself to accept that I deserve to be happy (tock me years sadly), but I just felt like I still don’t have anything to hold on. I still feel lost in this world. Is God really Al loving? Will every good person be able to live in peace even when it’s only in the afterlife, no matter how they look or what sexuality they have??? I really hope, even if I don’t believe I just hope.

Long and confusing rant I’m sorry, but I’m just as confused by myself.