my 22nd birthday today and my life feels like a speedrun to failure. i am so far behind and i dont know how to be a person.

today is my 22nd birthday and i feel like absolute shit. honestly it feels like my life is just a speedrun to suicide before 30. i am an ex immigrant living in europe and everything stopped for me when my dad died right before i turned 18. he was an alcoholic and my mom is one too. she has ignored me my whole life so i basically have no family except for my grandma.

i feel like a 15yo trapped in a 22yo body. i dont even look like i am 20 plus and i feel like i missed the tutorial on how to be a human. i was recently re diagnosed with adhd plus some autism traits and social situations are literal torture. i overthink every single word i say and i have to replay conversations in my head like 5 times to make sure i didnt sound like a freak. my small talk is so cringe it hurts.

i work a shitty customer service job cuz it was the only place that would hire me but it drains me so much. by the time i am done my social battery is at 0 percent and i just want to rot in my room. people at work think i am the funny positive guy cuz i mask so hard with jokes but i am actually drowning. i can talk to people and they dont think i am weird at first but i have no idea how to actually keep a friendship or go out with anyone. i havent hung out with anyone in years because i gained a lot of weight during the pandemic and i was too ashamed to let anyone see me.

i am trying to catch up now. i lost weight and i am taking care of my skin and i even got a gym membership i havent used yet. but i still feel like useless trash inside. for years i lived like a rat and never bought anything for myself but now that i have this low paying job i am overcompensating and buying too much stuff so i am always broke.

school was a disaster too. i used to be smart and had decent grades but then i just crashed and burned. i changed schools twice and barely finished high school. i have no degree and no skills and zero chance for uni cuz i cant focus on a single page. i have been on medikinet 10mg for a month now and it does literally nothing. zero improvement. i am still paralyzed and i feel like my depression meds arent helping either.

i desperately want a life and friends or a girlfriend cuz being alone is just not for me but what do i even have to offer? i am broke with no degree and no car and a 5 year gap in my life where i did nothing. has anyone else felt this behind in their 20s and actually made it out? i really need some hope that it is not too late for me.