I’m feeling so lost

Had a solid one year streak going until April 2025.

But after the timer in my app hit that one year, the goal felt like it was fulfilled and I was feeling empty.

My life hadn‘t improved drastically and then the catastrophe happened after I smoked weed with friends. I still had this gigantic firewall in my head that prevented me from relapsing no matter the amount of drugs.

But doubts slowly crept in days and weeks before and so I started to think really hard about it, probably for a solid 15-20 minutes. Then I finally concluded that I was not benefitting anymore from abstaining and had my first relapse in a very long time.

The irony? It wasn‘t even fun. It still isn‘t to be honest and feels more like an OCD driven habit at this point.

After that I never managed to stay clean for more than one month. I also just relapsed again today.

But circumstances changed. I am in a relationship now and in theory do not rely on porn or masturbation for living out my sexuality. However I‘m still addicted and it does affect my relationship negatively.

So what did I do wrong in retrospect? I never fully stopped having porn like fantasies going on in my head. Also, I focused too damn much on that stupid app until it finally hit 1 year.

Well here I am. I feel like I lost the strength I once had to fully stop watching porn long term. I don‘t know what to do at this point.