Crashing tf Out

Let me preface by saying, I'm not in crisis and im not a danger to myself or others so please dont send me crisis referrals, im just screaming into the void.

I've been chasing my health for years. For literal years I've been doing all the things to be healthier: more exercise, less sugar, healthier diet, fasting, not fasting, lab work, meeting with different doctors trying to find some answers.

Inevitably I get a little piece of the puzzle and I'm like "cool! We know what's wrong we can fix it!" And then nothing changes. I have severe insulin resistance, fasting is supposed to be amazing at bringing down insulin levels. My insulin levels did come down a fair bit but I didnt lose weight (and at almost 300 pounds I definitely NEED to lose weight), then my hair starting falling out and thinning, and I started feeling even more crappy. But all my labs are all fine. They're always fucking fine but I am NOT fucking fine!

At not even 35 I feel so old. My body hurts to the point that I find myself doing the granny shuffle. I can't even put my hair up anymore because my hair is so thin that pulling my hair up just shows all these bald spots on my scalp. I'm losing strength rapidly. Like in a matter of a month I went from tossing around 50 pound bags of feed to struggling to put the same 50 pound bag of feed in the car. Even though im still strength training, im still going to the gym.

I'm about to give up because what's the damn point? We're broke AF so I cant justify continuing to go to doctors and get tests in the hope that SOMETHING works. Our entire world is a flipping dumpster fire. Also the targeted content I'm starting to get about menopause? I think it sounds like I'd rather swallow a lead pill administered at high velocity. So at this point, even if by some miracle someone figured out the problem and we got it fixed tomorrow, I get what? Maybe 5 years to enjoy it before menopause starts and I get fucked up all over again?!

Women really do get fucked in every single aspect of life. Like for real. You're the first born daughter? Yeah you're a baby raising babies, the second mommy. High school? You put out, youre a slut, you dont youre a prude. Marriage? Most likely to killed by your own flipping husband. Also, you dont work? Youre a gold digger. Oh you do work? Youre not embracing your feminity. Medical issues? Eh we dont study the female body. Have kids? Yeah its all about the kids and you dont exist anymore, sorry! ​Don't have kids? Omg are you even a woman if you dont want kids? On and on and on.

I think I want to be a man. Bet if I was a man they'd have figured out what's wrong me AND there'd probably be a treatment to fix it AND they probably wouldve fixed it literal years ago. But im just a woman. ​