It hurts so much. I'll always love you, Trevor.

This past week has been unequivocally the most devastating, heartbreaking, and traumatic week that I think I've ever had in my entire life. I've barely slept, and I feel like I've been breaking down into tears every hour since we had to let him go last night.

My dog, Trevor, was 13 years old, and such a youthful, energetic, loving dog all the way until the end. He had a history of particularly nasty tumors growing on his body, and one on his right side had been rapidly growing, getting worse and worse.

Wednesday night, I was checking on it to make sure it was okay and that he hadn't injured it. And then, out of nowhere, it opened, and it was bad. We rushed him to multiple emergency vets but they weren't any help at all. They didn't even wrap him up despite the bleeding. The second emergency vet suggested we go to his primary vet, so we made an appointment the following morning as soon as possible. The soonest available slot they had was this coming Tuesday to operate on it, and even then, they had major concerns as to whether or not it was even possible to take it off at this point. As for caring for the wound that was rapidly getting worse, they just suggested keeping it covered, and occasionally putting cornstarch on it.

I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right about any of this. They sent us home, and from there, I was focused on keeping him as comfortable and calm as possible until Tuesday came around. It was so horrible, and every step of the way I felt worse and worse for him. Seeing him in the condition he was in was just harrowing.

I kept him as comfortable as I could, and tried to keep that wound on his mass as undisturbed as possible. Yesterday afternoon, despite my best efforts, my worst fucking nightmare came true. >!It wouldn't stop bleeding. There was so, so much blood. Seeing him get so weak out of nowhere and just.. drop, as all of this blood kept coming out of him is something that is going to haunt me forever.!< We brought him back to the vet, and they got him stable. I'm so grateful that I was able to have just a little bit more time with my sweet boy. We wanted to operate, to try getting it removed, but the sad reality is that in the state he was in and with the nature of the mass itself, it most likely wouldn't be operable.

He was able to go in a peaceful, quiet room surrounded by all of his favorite people, and we each got to hold him and say our goodbyes. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my entire fucking life. I feel so numb, so lost, and so alone without him. My home feels so empty without him. I just keep looking into the little pawprint memento they gave us, along with the picture I put in it. I wish he was here, and I don't even know how I'm going to be able to get through this.

I have so many regrets, so much guilt, so many things I wish I could have done better for him.
I'm 22 years old and I've had him for more than half of my life. I feel like a part of me is just gone.

God, I miss you so much, Trevor. I know you're in a better place and that you won't have to suffer anymore, but I still feel like it was too soon.

How do I even keep going from here?