I wish I was averse to self-pity

Napapagod na ko. I cant keep looking at myself in third-person view. I cant keep being a bystander in my own life. But I'm just so tired trying. I have been trying since I was barely a teen, since my age number consisted of two digits. I have tried to live, got sucked in again, tried, until I just thought, "what's the point?"

And yet, I'm still here. If I really was sick and tired of everything, why don't I just kill myself? I'm just growing more selfish, bitter, ungrateful, and pathetic as days, minutes, and seconds go by. I burned down everything in my life. And I just don't have any energy to nurture it again. I just want to be happy and peaceful. Even that costs so much. Something that comes off naturally to people costs something to me. Figuratively and literally.

I really wish, sa lahat ng okasyon na na-rape & inabuso ako at kung saan-saan at kani-kanino ako pumunta napatay man lang ako. But even I can't have that.