Struggling with our son’s behaviour in Reception — worried we may have picked the wrong school. Any advice?

SHORT:

Our 4-year-old (turning 5 in a few months) has had repeated behaviour concerns raised since starting Reception (UK). He’s very sociable and playful, but struggles with authority, often ignores instructions from teachers and parents, can be rough in play, and resists structured tasks like sounding out words.

This is the third time we’ve been called in to meet with his teacher, which is making us anxious that the school may not want to keep him, that their approach isn’t right for him, or that we’ve chosen the wrong school altogether.

We’ve asked for SENCo support and are booking a private psychologist, but we’d really value experiences from other parents: what helped, what didn’t, and what you wish you’d done sooner.

ADDITIONAL BACKGROUND (for anyone who wants more detail):

He’s always had a strong character — extrovert, confident, and determined to do things his own way. He’s not a child who sits quietly with a book for long (though he sometimes will when he’s in the right mood). We also suspect that his high energy and need for movement make a full classroom day particularly hard for him.

Since the start of the school in September, the teacher has regularly flagged concerns: 

• He often ignores instructions. It feels like he is deliberately not listening, even though we know he can hear perfectly well.
• He is academically behind the other children in terms of sounding words.
• He can play quite physically, sometimes hitting other children, crossing boundaries, and not respecting their toys.

We do see clear academic progress at home. He can read simple three-letter words with effort, which we feel is reasonable — especially as he’s one of the youngest in the class. The teacher wants daily practice, but this is very difficult because he’s exhausted after school and often refuses.

What worries us most is how the behaviour is being handled. With 30 children in the class (even with an assistant), expectations feel extremely high for 4–5-year-olds, and we’re starting to feel as if the school might prefer him to leave rather than adapt to him.

We’re also concerned about his emotional wellbeing. Since starting school he has begun biting his nails constantly and is now wetting himself daily, which never happened before. He seems anxious and stressed, which makes us question whether this environment is right for him.

A few times he has been sent to nursery as a consequence for bad behaviour, which felt inappropriate and unhelpful, and has made us doubt whether staff have the time, training, or tools to support a more challenging child.

To clarify, he doesn’t present as autistic; if anything we wonder about ADHD traits, but it mostly feels like stubbornness, high energy, and immaturity. He’s also quite “tough” emotionally and often doesn’t want comfort when hurt.

Both parents are fully involved, and he’s had a warm, stable upbringing. He attended nursery from 12 months, where staff seemed to manage him much more successfully.

If feedback doesn’t improve, we’re considering — as a last resort — a private school with smaller class sizes or a more flexible, movement-friendly setting. However, we’re unsure how best to assess this before enrolling, and we would much rather he stayed where he is with his friends if possible.

Any shared experiences or practical advice would be really appreciated.