Road rage, DB and cancer

I wrote last week about our DB and how I was recently diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. Long story short, my wife and I are in our late 40s, been married for over 25 years and have two grown kids. Bedroom dead for over two years now and it was about twice a year for two years before that. I’ve asked why and never get answers. I’ve asked for a solution to include counseling and was met with silence or anger. She hated being touched.

I’ve been in great shape my entire life. Still am. Never had a health issue ever. Back in October, I collapsed with a grand mal seizure and found out I have a terminal glioblastoma brain cancer. Doctor says I have a year to live. But my surgery was a success and radiation and chemotherapy have gone well too. Realistically, I probably have many good years left and there are some promising medical advances that could be a “cure” right over the horizon.

Since this diagnosis, my wife is suddenly more attentive. Not intimate but she wants to snuggle up and hold hands and things she wouldn’t do before. I thought it was odd when she saw on my chemotherapy paperwork that you shouldn’t have sex for three months. She pointed that out to me and told me that we’d have to hold off. WTF? We’ve been holding off for years.

One of the issues with the seizure, is that I can’t drive. I usually do all the driving. But now, she drives everywhere and is a road rager. I’ve asked her to please stop since I’m not looking to get into a fight or shot. But she absolutely refuses to stop. She bitches about traffic almost non stop. She yells at people for the same exact driving shit she does. We fight about it. I’ve asked her to stop and to go see a therapist and she gets mad and refuses to do either. I can’t wait until I can drive again but damn. It’s not just driving either. She just seems like an angry person. She won’t talk to me about it or get help.

She’s a little more touchy feely but that’s about it. She has been mad about some of the things I want to do as well. I have definitely made a bucket list of sorts. While I expect my cancer to stay away for a while, it could come roaring back and kill me. No way to know. I want to take some motorcycle trips this year and have had a lot of blowback on that. I wanted to go see the Artemis II launch next week but it got postponed to March. She didn’t want to go so I said I’d just go by myself. That turned into an argument. I’m gonna go see it in March regardless.

Anyways, I’m mostly just venting here. It’s nice to be able to type all of this out. I was planning to ask for a divorce soon and then this cancer hit. I feel like she does care about me and I definitely care about her. But this can’t go on. She has been my caregiver with this cancer but I’ve been pretty self sufficient. She drives me to my appointments. I walked out of the hospital the day after my brain surgery. Feels kind of shitty to ask for a divorce now but she won’t talk to a therapist or anything. She won’t talk to me about anything either. Kind of lost but I don’t want to spend the rest of of my life like this either, no matter how long it is.