I really want to drink this evening

Hello there all. I am 32 f and have been sober since Sept. 19th 2025. I have a severe urge to drink and I am trying everything to not give in. I am thinking of all the harm it has caused me and others, and trying to play the tape through but I for some reason believe I can moderate this time. I have a fantasy of getting beers or wine tonight and then listening to 3 doors down whom I am a huge fan of, and sad to hear of the singers passing. This is not an appropriate way to honor him, but I for some reason still want too…