Borderline personality disorder and motherhood

Any mums with borderline personality disorder? How do you not traumatise your child? I have a four month old and I love them more than anything, I would never hurt him, but I struggle with getting overwhelmed and my anger. I’m so heartbroken at the idea that when he’s a little older, more aware of his surroundings, that I’m going to have a son that is frightened of his mum. I feel like the two options I have is traumatise him with my episodes, or leave him with the trauma of my suicide. I can’t see a way that this doesn’t end awfully, and he doesn’t deserve any of it, I love him to bits and he deserves the world. I don’t him to grow up being scared of his mummy.