A letter to my mother and father.

I was wondering what others thought about the letter I was going to send to my parents?

When the two of you refused to speak to each other for months and I was carrying on a conversation between you two, I ended up getting severely depressed. Because I feared both of your reactions, I never told you. I was so depressed I couldn’t do well in any class during that year’s fall semester.

I was depressed that I was constantly having panic attacks without knowing. I was tired and done with going between the two of you for months. So much so that I planned to run away. I believed that if I disappeared, it would force you two to work things out. I wanted to do anything, no matter how drastic it was to get out of that situation. 

It started out with me searching for mental hospitals or clinics because I thought there was something wrong with me. In my head, I didn’t understand how I would screw up so badly. Afterwards, instead of a mental hospital, I downloaded a roommate app and looked for reasonably priced places to room in instead. 

Someone recommended that I go to a mental health counselor. After meeting with a counselor, I understood running away wouldn’t solve anything. He also talked to me about academics.

Truth is, after two years, I hated Architecture for a variety of reasons. I have ADHD, and it affects more than just being late, distracted, or having a bad memory. A person needs at least 5 to 6 symptoms to get diagnosed. I didn’t know what it was, how my brain worked, or any ADHD specific techniques where needed to complete assignments. After speaking with the counselor, he helped me understand more about what I would like to focus on.

Since last semester, I changed my major to Human Services. Human Services includes social work, psychology, sociology, nursing, etc. I know that it was a dangerous decision without telling you because I was at a different location. My current advisor has stated that I should work with three classes and attempt to get accommodations for my ADHD. I paid for the semesters using my own money because it was around 2-3000 dollars per semester and I could afford it. I plan on paying my way through Deltech because it is more affordable.

I didn’t tell you last summer because I was still depressed and in an antisocial state. Constantly looking at my phone when there is barely anything interesting just to avoid having a conversation. At the time, I hadn’t considered speaking to either of you about anything because I was emotionally detached.

I feared you both so much. I would always be on my phone for both stimulation and an excuse not to speak to anyone. I would come home after dad was gone. Go in another room, and talk while walking away because I am always anxious around you.

Yes, I lied about a lot of things. And to many people who I will need to correct. I need to explain to them why I changed my major and why I lied about it. I’m sorry.