2026/02/11 for the cruising

i woke up today around 6:30, lay around until 7:00 then got up to get ready for work. i fed my fish and noticed one of them who has been sick for a while was now beyond saving. it was one of my orange fin danios and this guy has a white spot that has gone and come back a few times but today i noticed he had pine-coning (his scales were sticking out at the sides) and that's basically it for a fish. i had my oat bowl and get dressed in all black. i sat around yawning for a while then headed out.

i got there early, around 8:40 and my boss immediately told me she wasn't going to have the store open today and that she was just about to phone me not to come in. i'm sort of bummed the store wasn't open but also glad i came in because i'd forgotten my purse the day before. it's not like i love this job and i'm going to say going home wasn't a relief in a way, but at the same time i have this job for a reason as part of my recovery so that's why i would have wanted to be there today. my brain needs the activity and even when i try staying active at home, it's not the same level as working a day. either way, i took it as a day off and appreciated it. i'm back in on friday for a few hours which should work out well just to get me thinking a little.

i didn't do much at home but i did make a curried vegetable mixture with some bell peppers and tomatoes that were going bad in the fridge. i had them with a naan for lunch and an iced coffee. unfortunately i then got around to putting down my fish. if you're going to have fish, you should have clove oil. it's a natural analgesic and a humane way to put down fish and you're eventually going to have to put down a fish even when you have medications. it's really easy on the fish, they just go to sleep.

i took the dog around the block and then went out for a walk on my own. if you're a man in my area, between the ages of 35 to 55, i'm out looking for you. are you housed or provisionally accommodated? good enough to say hello and that's all i want. when i'm out cruising for guys, which frankly is what i do when i'm out these days, guys doing the most just say hello and i'm blown away by even that. have to say my favourite place for guys right now is dollarama. i don't talk to them but there have been some cute brothers in there that i appreciate.

i'm not usually like this, but lately it's a thing for me. it might be my version of sexually impulsive behaviour that can be seen in mania but for me it's just talking to a guy which i think is something i should be doing more often anyway because i am single. i'm not hooking up with random guys, i'm just trying to get out of the house and stand next to someone too close at walmart.

after my walk i had a couple of maple cookies. then a couple more and i'm still resisting the urge. dinner is the same as last night, a sausage with vegetable lasagna. what's left of the day is the evening dog walk, a shower and probably a couple more maple cookies.