My dad died

My dad just died. I live hours away, and I had appointments to be at, so I said bye at the hospice knowing I couldn’t go back for another week or two. It was the worst day - we both cried and knew we might not see each other again. But we didn’t say it out loud.

He seemed fine - part of me thought the doctors were wrong. But he died a week later and I wasn’t there.

I feel so much guilt that I wasn’t brave enough to say all the things I should have said. I also didn’t hug him or kiss him. We had to wear an apron and gloves for infection control so I held his hand with gloves on. How stupid is that? Why didn’t I just hug him?