how to get past this

I think to tolerate a lot of the abuse i received, i tricked myself into thinking it was all love. that it was out of love and that's the way they showed it towards me. some crazy kinda cope that still sticks to me in many ways. anyone i fell for treated me like i wasn't worth a damn thing and i liked that. i let people get away with way too much because of this. especially with the SA. when it was over i would think "it's just because they love me, it's fine". or why i got upset when they left for some reason or got bored of me. then it felt like i tolerated it all for nothing after they were gone. that i did something wrong. that has lead me to some really crazy places that made me so much worse. my perception of love was so morbid and sometimes i still think it is. it was such a constant the opposite feels so wrong despite me being aware of this. that sometimes with my boyfriend, i think "he should hit me, i deserve it. he loves me right? if he did why isn't he doing X?" it's complicated for me. actual love feels so foreign to me still. he's showed me that it's better but i can't help but feel this way. it sucks i'm like this 🤦‍♂️ i hated all of what was done, but a lot of things remind me of how ruined love was for me and how it constantly made me invalidate myself over and over again. that i made ts too easy for them. that filthy feel never really goes away. that because of everything that's happened, i am too filthy to be with him and that he deserves a better boyfriend than me cause i'm so fcked up. he's helped me and done so much for me, to help me. i feel i've been reverting back lately, and i feel guilty cause i feel i wasted that. love him more than words can express so it hurts me to say he deserves more than me, i wish i wasn't this way at all. idk i feel i'm slowly slipping into a depressive episode again. i just feel so low