I love my mom but I resent her at the same time

My mom is a good mother to me. We bond over shared interests. She cooks me food. We’d bake together when we still had an oven. She raised me with everything she had.

I currently live in the city for college. She visits me when she can just to spend time with me. But I didn’t just move to the city for college, I moved so I could be away from my stepdad. Who she still lives with. My stepdad sexually assaulted me for years. Until I realized I was being SA’d and had the guts to tell her when I was 17. Since then, I haven’t lived in my hometown. And I often get sad about it, depressed even. I miss my province. I miss my family there. I miss the sea. I miss the cows. I especially miss my pets.

We had a fight last year. I got mad because I saw recently that she posted that they went on an anniversary date together. I don’t know exactly why I got so mad. But maybe it’s also because we didn’t spend our birthdays together (we always did because our birthdays were on the same week). I guess I got mad because she got to celebrate their anniversary with the man who sa’d me. Meanwhile, my mom and I didn’t get to celebrate our bdays together (I didn’t tell her this part though). I confronted her, asking if she still loved my stepdad after everything that he did to me. She said yes, she still loves him. And she continues to live with him because she has nowhere else to go.

And every time I remember just one little wrongdoing she did to me in my childhood, I get mad. Like how she always had me get back the jewelry that my biological dad stole from us. I was only 9 years old that time. And I treated it like I was in some sort of “Mission Impossible” action sequence. I had to learn how to crack safes and all that. It was fun at the time but I only now realize how messed up that was to ask of one’s own daughter.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my mom. She’s a good mom. She’s been through a lot in her life. And I know how hard she worked just to give me a comfortable life. She’s super supportive of me with my dreams and hobbies. And she even treats me and my friends out a lot. She’s a strong woman and she deserves the world. I guess it’s just that I resent her sometimes. I feel for her as a woman. But as her daughter, I’m very much hurt.

P.S. It’s ironic that I’m secretly writing this all down while she’s beside me, haha