I don’t know at this point

Not a frequent redditor, this is a private account away from my main as to not affect people I know. I don’t know if this will be read. But I feel like I need to get this out for a range of advice or opinions or just to be heard. This will mainly just be a vent or dump on things going on. I apologise if topics change.

I have been struggling with my mental health on and off since I was 11, I have many factors to it including Autism, ADHD, PCOS, Severe Anxiety, Gender Dysphoria. I could go on honestly.

I have so much going on that when something is wrong I don’t know what contributes to what.

I’m very sensitive, easily affected by small things, my mood constantly shifts. I was bullied a lot throughout my life and had lot of phases throughout secondary but it sparked such a severe social anxiety in me that every interaction I have with a person I’m not close to feels like I’m drowning, I’m doing something wrong, I’ve upset them somehow, even with people I know I constantly doubt myself, hate myself if I’ve gotten too comfortable, I don’t want to be this way but I can feel so jealous sometimes, so clingy, so annoying. I’m constantly asking reassurance that how I act with them is okay, and then later on regret and want to not exist anymore over things I’ve said that I can’t control.

I struggle to think most of the time, my actions are Impulsive, If I think for too long I end of drifting into some kind of crisis about my life or not staying on topic even though I take medication to be able to focus. And I can’t bring myself to physically to tasks I need to do even if my future depends on it such as important college work.

I struggle to get motivation, keeping a sleeping pattern has helped. But once it’s broken I can’t get myself back into it without great difficulty. I find myself becoming less attached to my body, it got so bad in secondary that I felt everyone was in on something, nothing was real.

I feel like I have no freedom or control In most of my day to the point that I spend hours till early morning doing my own thing before finally going to sleep and waking up only a few hours later.

I also hate myself, I can’t bare myself, I actually can’t understand how anyone can be associated with me. To myself, I don’t see how I can even live and look a part of society when I dont even look human to myself. I feel so disfigured, so abnormal and brutally different that I don’t understand how some people can treat me like I’m another person, how I can be perceived as relatively normal to them.

Some days, I look in the mirror and I can deal with it and have that small bit of confidence to think maybe I look alright for once, but then I’m instantly put down again by glimpses of myself where I think, what was I thinking… I never did look like that, I look so stupid, I should never leave the house, how am I walking around like this. And not In a gender dysphoric way either. I just can’t see how I’m a person.

This barely scratches the surface but since I have a limit on characters I will stop here.

I’ll gladly answer any questions or comments. Don’t be afraid I’m not offended by any questions.

Have a good day/night to whoever reads this and stay safe, be kind.