TW. I have no idea how to go through this

Trigger warning much needed.

When I reported him, I never even thought of being attacked back, legally. I was like, at worst, nobody will believe me.

I was taken by police soon after that day, to be transferred to a psych ward. While I was at the station, I told them about what happened. They didn't give any priority to it, just gave priority at locking me up.

While at the ward, I asked for a gynecologist because I was still bleeding. They said they'd bring one - nobody came until 2 weeks later. Useless.

A few days later, I kept asking to be allowed to go to the police station because I really needed to discuss something.

I was mocked, "what would you have to tell them?" and wouldn't let me go.

I broke out secretly. I went myself. I started discussing it with the police there. I did not go there with the intention to report necessarily, but to discuss what was haunting me, and there I confirmed that what happened was wrong. And when asked if I want to report, I said yes. I never used the word. I hate the word. They named it.

Police took me back at the ward many hours later. It was horrific. I did not want to leave the bed. They kept pulling me, they lowered my pants; I was injected twice, both hips. It was horrific. I cannot even describe what this did to me, but I was horrible for all the process of being transferred to another psych prison. I had to be up and walking after those heavy injections, I had to talk and explain and-

All the effort I had put in the previous ward, was erased. All from the beginning.

They had a second reason to transfer me; I had managed to attempt in the ward, beforehand. I could not stand the images anymore. I was reacting violently against myself at the first one. At every chance I was alone in the room, or when I thought they were sleeping. I'd hit myself.

I was tied on the bed in the next ward. It was horrible.

This didn't end there, but I'd have to go on for long.

I never expected I'd be attacked back - he uses my mental state against me, he has stated horrible lies - that I put pressure on him to have sex, that he said no, that he found me with blood, cutting myself with a cutter he had, and that I said I'd off if he didn't do what I wanted. The fuck.

I believe my own report won't go to trial; I have nothing to show. Because of the police that night. Because of the internet stranger who decided to report me for a psych hold. Because of the ward. Because of the doctor that came way too late.

I believe his lies, his report against me, will lead me to a sentence.

Because that's life.

I am done. I am tired. I am exhausted. All the images keep replaying in my head again. And again. And again.

And in the end, I'll also be punished for it.

Fuck this. I should have never spoken. I am way too tired to stand up. I am way too tired to talk to people who will never believe me. I feel trapped. I feel like I'm running out of air.

He will be fine. I won't.