Therapist ghosted last year and deeply hurt.

Honestly I don’t even know anymore.. I(25F) am so upset. Ive been going to therapy on and off since I was 17, and had pretty distressful and downright rude experiences with many of them - ghosting, reporting SAs from childhood when I didn’t want them to since I was already an adult (I now know this is a legal obligation, although I didn’t know before going into therapy), them doing something completely different while Im venting to the point they forget I am in the session with them, to straight up ghosting me. I started to think this is just how modern day therapy is.

Last Year, after much consideration I decided to go to therapy again. I was experiencing pretty insane panic attacks and was super apprehensive as getting ghosted really turned me off to therapy, as someone who has abandonment issues.

Decided enough was enough and found a therapist I thought I would vibe with. Right away my now current therapist, let’s call her Marie, called me for a consultation. We instantly clicked.

It was the perfect match, I thought. We were doing EMDR, I was finally able to leave the house, she was the creative, spiritual type, which all aligned with me. Her practice is very rooted in social justice (it’s in the name of her cohort), restorative justice, POC-informed trauma and so on, so I felt very seen in our sessions.

My trauma was not that related to such matters but she was so great nonetheless.

A year of therapy goes by and I get better but still have bouts of depression and still severe panic attacks, albeit less frequent. I get a job an hour away even. But because of this commute Im sometimes a few minutes late. I started to notice that while she was very lenient with me being late (Im talking 5 minutes late, 10 at most) she would often cancel as well. Mind you, I was very adamant on still wanting therapy as I still have issues I wanted to work through and panic attacks weekly.

At first it was, “Since you’re running a little late, Maybe let’s reschedule for later in the week?” and we’d meet at our next recurrent date.

Then it was, “Hi X, Im not feeling very well can we reschedule?”

Which is all fine… then I noticed she started to take me off her schedule. I would ask her when our next appointment was and she would respond “Let’s see..” and then not respond to me at all. I finally said I was in emotional crisis after a triggering situation and she booked me for the week. And then it would be back to “Im not feeling well, can we reschedule?”

And there would be no reschedule.

A lot of her practice and talking points focused on self-compassion and “understanding that we are under a capitalistic society” when Id talk about my burnout at work, which was helpful only up to a point, until I found myself completely unplugged from my goals and solely going to work then going home to “self-soothe”.

My point in saying this is that Im extremely turned off by the fact that she hasn’t taken the responsibility of me as a paying patient of her’s to at least communicate that she doesn’t want to continue. She’s big on organizing and talks on her pages about the ongoing raids in her area, which Im sure affect her deeply, so I feel pretty much guilty for feeling angry. Im sure it is personal stuff as well… Who am I to complain about my therapist not showing up when she’s fighting for her community and I am trying to unpack my abandonment issues with women in my life (ironic)

Im just so frustrated that the last few times i saw her id write out everything i was looking forward to talking with her about and the last thing she texted me last year was “Hi I think 🤔 we're scheduled for tonight at 8 but I'm getting a really bad headache sorry I won't be able to meet tonight”.

I don’t want to seem insensitive. Am I an asshole for being angry? I feel like the sentiments she suggested to me about “radical acts of self compassion” totally backfired onto me, even in terms of her never rescheduling or checking in. What am I doing wrong? Was I ghosted? Is this ethical? I desperately need a new therapist and am afraid everyone else will pail in comparison. Im so tired of being ghosted > leading to feeling broken. Its been months now, do I reach out to clarify what happened or is this reportable?