The Taiming of the Stool - (Happy Valentine's Day)

O most revered bride, forgive my disgrace,

  For thou must endure this malodorous plight.

A superfluous offering, ill-timed in its place,

  Hath conquered the pipes in rebellious spite.

I blame the bran of the morn’s cruel fare,

  Or cruciferous feasts that mocked my decree.

Perhaps thy broccoli — over-prepared —

  Hath torn the bowels and undone me.

Fetch thee the plunger, marshal the mop,

  Towels by the gross, and a bucket anon.

The throne overflows — it shall not stop —

  The cat flees the chamber, offended and gone.

O sorrowful fate! Upon porcelain wrought —

  On Valentine’s Day… I gave thee but naught.

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