legitimately, i do not know who else to ask (death anxiety)

i was diagnosed with CPTSD about five years ago. i read a few books about it, did a lot of reparenting and positive self-talk, and spent countless hours in counseling, and -- well, i guess i'm as good as i'm going to get

but the problem is -- and maybe it's hyper-specific to my religious trauma -- i don't actually feel any better. coping with day-to-day stuff is still lethally depressing to me (as in, i don't know at all how to cope with it, and ending it all seems like a fair-enough way to go, if it cuts short the mortal suffering i experience in every moment)

not a day goes by that i don't weight the pros and cons of ending my life. and the worst part is, no improvement in material conditions ever touches this problem. i've had long-term relationships. i've lived with my partner and had a stable existence. i've had a decent job to the point that i don't have to worry about money

but these days, all it amounts to is, "well, then, if having all the stuff that makes people happy doesn't make me happy -- i must just be incapable of hapiness."

i am obsessed with death. i am obsessed with the cycle of human depravity. all day and all night (and often into screaming nightmares that wake up my roommates), all i think about is how everything dies, and nothing can be held to be inherently worthy of existence, and by extension, i myself can never possibly say or do or think anything at actually matters

is this because i was raised a christian doomsday armageddon-cult? yeah, probably

but real talk: we're all going to die. everything we ever do is guaranteed to be forgotten. and them's the brakes. there's nothin else possible in a finite universe that lasts trillions of years

i understand the trap i'm stuck in. i understand that the only power i truly have is in how i feel about the trap itself, and that any moves i make will inevitably lead me to the unbeing that waits for us all

but i just can't stop thinking about it

how can a world where everyone has this one thing in common (that we will all die, and remain dead), be so ridiculously anti-human? how could you condemn your youth to war, and your poor to poverty, and on and on and on -- knowing that this is your one shot?

i have no friends. i have no family. nobody will miss me when i'm gone. but i'm still scared. unbeing is terrifying.

what's worrying is, i know that regardless of how i feel, my days are numbered. whether i smoke four packs a day and exist solely in front of my computer, or whether i strive as hard as i can for the human limits of achievement and break the leg-press world record -- it's all the same shit to me

i legitimately don't know who to ask. i've become so isolated and miserable, i can't even imagine it's possible for me to feel any better

i played by the rules. i tried my best. but my best wasn't enough to overcome the core philosophical problem of sapient existence: i fundamentally do not understand how other finite beings are so comfortable existing in a finite universe. i have become unmoored from the humanity at my core

i love people. i care more for random homeless people who threaten to kill me (real thing) than anybody i know. it's not an absence of love, is what i'm saying: it's more that i feel like i'm the only person i know who feels as deeply as i do (about anything), and there's no conceivable way out: i can't see a path to a life that would make all of this suffering worthwhile

please help me, strangers. i know i've deleted multiple reddit accounts because of randomly unfriendly people who encourage to cease my existence (not cool, by the way, i was only asking for help with wiring an electronics project)

but i'm out of people, i don't know who to ask

no amount of work on my part ever seems to make a dent in the overwhelming pointlessness that is every second of every day

i don't even know if help is possible, but it sure doesn't feel like it

i know that medication and counseling haven't helped. i know that leaning on friends hasn't helped, as they all tend to evaporate as soon as i ask something of them (regardless of how much i've paid out to them in terms of time and care and effort and currencty)

i don't know

it's not even a fair question to ask another person, but i've been hung up on by 988 and spent too many weeks in inpatient by now. i have to believe, on some level, that if help was really coming, it would have reached me by now

i have become convinced that my life is entirely pointless, and that to keep doing it regardless of the pain it causes me is an act of self-flagellation from which no positive outcome can possiblly come

i'm so fucking lost. i can't imagine a better life than this one. and i'm terrified to die, so i can't even jump in front of a train like the logical part of my brain tells me to

how the hell does anybody cope with this?

every second is pure suffering. all joy is an obvious smokescreen around the obvious. live and love, or die without love: it's all the same shit. you end up on the floor, letting out your last breath pointlessly, regardless of what you strove for before

i'm inches away from calling it a day and punching out early. but i'm scared to die, so i don't. so every day is just holding on by the skin of my teeth and hoping i'll die by accident without my knowledge, so the decision will be take out of my hands

i have something like 7 years of regular counselling under my belt. endless calls to 988 and stays in mental institutions

but no amount of talking or pacing back and forth around the psyche ward has helped

it genuinely feels like my kind (people who give a shit, i mean) are doomed to be extincted by more powerful bad actors who will wield their recourses to undermine my kind

i haven't felt a sensation even adjacent to "hope" in more years than i can count

every day is solitude and emptiness, and it seems to make sense to call it a day and punch out for good

but i'm so damn scared of it. i don't want to cease to exist. but why would i continue to exist in absence of anything that makes existence worthwhile?

i don't know, man

i just don't know