Did coping prevent you from growing

All these years,but in my purified form I am not grown.Like a tree you planted but didn’t grow a feet even years later. Technically ıs thıs even living?and now what the fuck am I supposed to do?what can you do about it?grow how?while people were growing since childhood,I was busy coping,pretending,disassociating,isolating,fawning,

withdrawing.like I need start growing from beginning and how do I that why nobody fucking talks about this?all this awareness but for what