Ex boyfriend died and now my mom is arranging his funeral

Wednesday night I found out my ex boyfriend and my first love died in my mind the worst way. I had found out on instagram as I was scrolling because one of his friends posted something and immediately called my mom because she works in the funeral business and he lives 10 mins away. I called and asked frantically if she got any death calls and she was confused and she said she got a man who was 25 with his name and I fully broke down, screaming, gagging, shaking, just having a panic attack. I had talked to him less than a week before and he was trying to better himself in his life. Our relationship was really complicated because I am an avoidant attachment and it’s really hard for me to open up to someone not to mention because of how insecure I was in my body. He matched with me on tinder and we talked for a year straight online as well as phone calls and FaceTimes but I just was scared to meet him because I knew I was getting attached to him. After a year I finally met him and was obsessed with him but there was issues because a friend of mine had hooked up with him a year and a half prior but I had no idea. It put me in a position that I felt guilty liking him so much. After another 6 months after meeting for the first time I finally gave in and was seeing him every weekend and he showed me how to be affectionate and to put my guard down and always told me how beautiful I was even as a bigger girl. He took my virginity and we were together for 6 months until I realized how much maturity he lacked. He wouldn’t take care of his health and had this issue where he would get waves of throwing up and just would be so tired which caused him to fall asleep before dates and he never would listen to me about going to the doctor. He also would never wear his seat beat and just was irresponsible and it scared me because I have so much anxiety and think the worst at all times.my dad is also the same way as in very careless so I just don’t want to be in a position like I was his mother. he also didn’t have a job and fucked up his car so I just wanted him to have some direction as I was in school and working and supporting myself all by myself. I was 20 and he was 23 at this point but i decided to end it but we remained very close as he insisted I was the love of this life. Another year goes by where it’s constant flirting and just talking with each other our love for one another was never the problem. He moved to Florida for about 4 months and came back telling me how I was the love of his life and that we were like the notebook story and how I was going to be his wife. I told him I needed him to have a plan and action he still had something wrong with him and was still being so careless and I remember him leaving me on delivered for over a day mid conversation until I called my mom and asked if she had any death calls. He was ignoring me because he was mad I didn’t give him another chance but even then couldn’t be mad at me and just wanted to talk with me. He always was so patient with me and just never put any pressure on me. I could go on about all the things he showed me and how much I really loved this man as much as it’s hard for me to say as a avoidant but then comes to current day. I freak out and I just don’t know what to do he always wanted to meet my mother and now he’s in an embalming room with my mom looking down on him. He also was a donor so apparently it’s grim from what my mom said. His death is still being autopsied but it looks like he was throwing up sick for 4 days straight couldn’t keep anything down until the 4th day and he was completely lethargic and because my mom is the director I get to know everything that happened but without all the horrible details he knew he was dying and it was too late he was so dehydrated he had a seizure and died right there. It kills me that this is how he died knowing how many conversations I had with him about how important his health was and that my biggest fear was that one day I’d just find out he’s dead. I feel just so distraught and physically sick. The fact a iv could have saved his life or if his family called the ambulance he would still be alive. He is sitting in my mom’s place of work just dead and there’s nothing I can do about it. I am wanting to go to the funeral but I just don’t know if I can handle seeing him in that way. I’m like terrified I already have all the imagines in my head from how he looked dying from him after his autopsy and organ donations. I also am someone who is obsessed with true crime so my mental images are pretty graphic. I just don’t know what to do because I know this is my last time I can see him but it actually kill’s me I cry without even knowing im crying I just don’t know how to cope at all. My mom is also very fond of viewings for grieving process so I don’t know if it’s for the better or not. I do have a photographic memory as well so im afraid it will burn into my head forever. It all just feels like a dream to me and I don’t know how to feel especially that I haven’t seen him in 2 years. The last thing he texted me was in response of a picture of me and he said “I will obsess over you until the day I die” and it’s been fucking with me so bad like he knew. I was suppose to be on a trip for New York right now but canceled because of this and the last thing I packed was his shirt I kept. It all is messing with me and I know many people might not read this but getting it out is making me feel a little better and I know it’s completely all over the place but anyone have anything similar that could help me with suggestions? I’m 22 now he’s been the only stable thing in my life I think I’ve ever had from 18 to now I just also feel like im over reacting as well I just seriously don’t know how I feel at all and i know no one in my friend group or really anyone in this age range has had to deal with a sudden death of their first love like not even my parents or even my grandparents I just feel like no one gets it and maybe im just being so dramatic for no reason. There’s so much more lore to this but thanks if you read this long I ran out of tears to cry so that’s my Ted talk