Dear Dahlia,

Hi. I know you believed in magic and ghosts. I… I don’t know what I believe in anymore. But, the crazy part of my brain believes that you heard me yesterday. It feels crazy and believing in anything—even magic that I used to practice—makes me question if I’m in spiritual psychosis. I’ve chatted with other witches and this is a common experience.

Anyway. I told you that I needed a miracle. And I told you in the car that I missed G. He and I are in such a weird place right now and I just miss my friend. I hated how the breakup went down. We spent so long getting close and now it’s just… it sucks.

There was a last minute cancellation at the Belle tonight, so I got to make some much needed money. It wasn’t a lot since I was working crew, but it was SOMETHING. I haven’t gotten my base pay yet, but I’m hoping that they threw in more because I only had a few hours notice. Fingers crossed.

I don’t ever want to have to make a mutual aid posting again. I want to climb out of this hole and be able to share money because I genuinely have enough to share.

I caught my thoughts going into a dark place today. The planning stages, which is my sign to enact my safety plan. I sent messages to the strawberry friends and they were received well (I was as articulate and honest as I could be without causing a panic). T dropped off gushers, martinellis, hot dogs, monster, and juice at my house before I had to leave for work.

It will be okay. Life is a M E S S and is incredibly hard, but I know that deep down, it is worth it to stay alive.

I know you struggled with SI too. You understood what it was like. We talked about it and we said we were proud of eachother for sticking around.

I’m not going to do anything, I’m keeping my promises to you.

It’s literally just capitalism. Life is full of beauty, love, art, nature, and joy. But, I’m telling you: it’s just capitalism that makes me want to not be around anymore.

It used to be being pre-t and capitalism, but now it’s just capitalism.

If you can hear me (I may just be insane, but I also know you believed in ghosts), can you keep those miracles coming? The job today went really well and came just in the nick of time.

I also got to see G there, who I told you that I missed. Things are so fucking weird right now and I can’t wait for things to go back to the way they were. He was my family, Dahlia. We were there for each other, through thick and thin.

At least tonight, we got to squeeze like we used to. We also hugged at Melange. Chatting here and there, hopefully slowly going back to who we were before we broke up.

I’m in such a weird place. I don’t know what I’m doing. The older I get, the more I realize that I have more to learn.

I wish you were here so fucking badly. I miss you so much and it hurts. I miss you so so so much. I miss you so fucking much.

I wish you weren’t dead. I promise to keep going and remembering that the most important thing is love. That’s all it’s about.

There is so much love around and within me and there is not a day that goes by without me thinking of you. I used to be such an asshole, but you were one of the people who took a chance on me and taught me how to love, how to laugh, and how to forgive myself. I can only hope that you can know how thankful I am for you.

I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you.

-someone who wishes he could hug you again