I just can’t heal and I feel like a failure for it

We promised we were going to try to reconcile. We went to therapy. We talked through absolutely everything. I heard and saw every single detail. Absolutely raw full disclosure. I was at a point I could even make jokes about it. We were doing really good…for a little while.

Well it’s been almost 6 months on our ‘healing journey’. He is healing, from the admittedly horrible way I acted when I was in pain. But I’m not healing in the slightest.

It would be ok for a while, but I would always regress, and now I break down every single day. Sometimes multiple times a day. I can’t handle it. I’m still in panic mode. Neither can he. Hes trying but I know it’s exhausting for him too.

He is one of those all or nothing type people. He went through a ‘binge cheating’ phase and there were dozens of other women, not all physical contacts but him messaging them, complimenting them, offering to meet up with them, saying all the things he used to say to me, was so saddening to me. He swears on everything its over now. I trust him on that because he’s been so incredibly strict with himself in every other area of life too. I’m proud of him.

I appreciate him trying to fix it. I know he hasn’t been messaging or talking to other women. Recently he’s been trying so hard to fix things. Given me full access to every device even offered to let me track his every move.

But it’s just too late. Today I realized. Nothing can fix it. And somehow that’s even more devastating and heartbreaking since the d-day when I found it all out.

I love him but I also hate and resent him deeply and no amount of talking it out is helping that go away. I know what my survival mechanism brain is screaming at me and its too loud to ignore. I have to give up on him. I don’t want to. He’s the love of my life. But I cannot take spontaneous crying 3-5 times a day randomly. My nervous system is shot.

I have to see some of them each week because we live in a pretty small town. I’ve passed them in the street or been to places they work and have quiet panic attacks. It’s so painful.

I feel like they’ve won. They stole my dream life from me and nothing will ever repair it. Sorry for the rant, I’m in extreme pain right now. For some reason I still feel worse about how much pain and drama I’ve caused him due to his infidelity. I want to go away but more for his sake, not my own. He already picked them over me anyway. Why am I still here.