I’ve accepted happiness is an emotion I can’t feel.

I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression at the age 15. I’ve always had this fear that I would never be able to feel happiness in its entirety. Just small slivers of a high. It ruined my marriage of 10 years due to me saying such and trying to circumvent it by making decisions based on that fear to feel just anything. My life is bleak. I can see the end before it’s even happened. Mundane. Uneventful. I can’t even seem to get out of bed most days. It’s a miracle I’ve kept up the charade of employment this long. Albeit I have a ton of accommodations for my mental health. Without them I’d effectively be homeless. I just don’t think this feeling is going away. I wish assisted suicide was legal here in the states. I would hate to choose an option that isn’t for sure and would leave me worse than I am now. I believe in dignity in choice. I just have all the odds going against me.

Transgender

Borderline Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Body Dysmorphia

Basically Agoraphobic

In my family I’ve always been the black sheep. My mother had a hard upbringing I don’t fault her for so she is still very much like a teenager in mentality. I don’t have a support system since I lost the majority of it two years ago. I’m just exhausted. I’m ready for an exit. There is no overcoming all of it. It is a disorder that is incurable. I don’t want to live like this till I’m 80. I’ve always joked with anyone around me that I’d want to be euthanized by age 60 but honestly I’d rather be lowered to 30. I don’t have a desire to continue on with the brain I’ve been given. Life shouldn’t be so hard or meaningless. It’s not normal. I can’t be normal. I’ve researched painless ways to happen. Literally have started saving for the 12K to go to Switzerland eventually for assisted suicide. I’ve coined the term Switzerland vacay with my very few friends & family. I’m just ready. I’ve never felt more ready in my life. Also therapy? Fuck that shit. Honestly feel like self awareness is the root of all mental illness at this point. I was doing much better being ignorant about my problems than having them stare me down day in and day out while I know their names.