Pet Carrot

You are my person.

But now, you were my person.

I don’t think you are here, even if you are I won’t recognize it. It’s that long since we had direct contact.

I don’t look for you anymore.

But, I see you in everything without trying.

I stopped hoping a long time ago.

I am not scared to talk like how other letters are about their person…the “what ifs” if their person reach out or them reaching out. There’s too many of those letters lately here probably because it’s Valentines season.

I figured if you are here, might as well just let out some of what’s on my mind. I could have send it to you directly like before, but I’d rather not.

After all you said it too, to not contact you again. Though you didn’t mention it last time you reached out but you’ve been quiet, even when I reached out. So I revert back to your initial request.

I’ve already cut that red thread on my end that once connected me to you. Even the graphene that I replaced it with, I’ve destroyed it.

I’m not mad or angry anymore at you. I’m sorry for everything I have said and done. And for whatever it may have/had caused you due to my immaturity.

I was frustrated, stressed, overwhelmed with our situation…or better yet, my situation. I had a lot going on then, us, family, work, financial, friends, etc. It was a lot, it got too much for me that I lost my bearings.

I was mad at our situation. Just knowing you are one call or text away calms me down. To have a special someone, a partner to lean on when life gets too much for us. You know how anxious or stress I get about everything. And you with work.

Just your presence alone, without saying anything…just you existing was enough to make me happy like a clam.

I just wanted you to know that I found my softness again, but this time I’m very selective on who I show that side of me. Because of everything I went through since the last time we stood in-front of each other.

I don’t know or recognize you anymore since that time. The person I met on that first date is not you anymore and that’s okay. I am not that “girl” you met then either.

There’s a lot left unsaid.

At the same time, I don’t even know what or how to say those words unless you ask directly.

I don’t know what you are up to or how you are. Though the last time I saw you, you seemed to be doing good.

There was a few times where I thought I saw you. The person was riding one of those vespa scooter. That made me miss you more.

I hope life has been treating you better compared then. I hope you are happy and healthy. Maybe you are seeing someone new since us. I have not. And if you are, I hope she makes you happy and love you more than I could.

I just wanted to let you know despite of everything that happened, I thought of you often. You’re one hard to forget and I don’t think I can.

I’m pretty sure I failed again by posting. I know I am being monitored. Given how much my mother coughs as I’ve been typing this. Pretty sure she and others will leave easter eggs as usual once I post this. Let’s not kid ourselves about it.

That’s a part of me why I don’t want to talk, if ever. Unless you can be fully honest with me about it without me having to ask. That’s a big deal for me.

I’d rather fail by doing so than have regrets…even if you don’t read it.

But I wanted to let you know,

Thank you for making me realize how I should be loved.

Thank you for opening my eyes on different areas of my life.

Thank you for all the times you allowed me to see you, for all the times you were available to give me.

Thank you for the laughs and music you shared with me.

Thank you for the conversations and your love notes.

Thank you for the moments we shared together even when it was short lived.

Thank you for making me happy. You have no idea how happy you made me feel. Everything in my life feels lighter when you were in it. I hope I did the same with you.

Thank you for the love you gave me when we were together. Just know that I was all in, ride or die…I’ve loved you with all of me until that version of me died…