i (22f) am terrified of breaking up with my bf (23m) of 5 years

to make this long story short, basically i’ve been with my bf for almost 5 years, been living with him basically 4 out of the 5, when i moved in, he was finishing his second senior year , and was also jobless, and his room was an absolute disgrace. i looked past these things at the time because he made me so happy it just didn’t matter. within 4 months of us living together we got into our first major argument. i have this recorded in fact and when i go back and listen to it i am extremely calm whilst he is very aggressive and angry

now besides all of this, i love him so much, and he absolutely loves me, i don’t think anything he’s doing is him intentionally trying to hurt me, because he really does love me. everytime after these fights he’ll always apologize and what not but at this point it’s like too little too late. and i think about breaking up with him literally constantly. throughout the years we just keep having these major fights and at this point i feel like it’s me because he says i yell at him and call him names and it’s like well yeah i do now because it’s been years of it being done to me. which i know i shouldn’t be but when someone is yelling in ur face it’s hard not to yell back you know?

but i’m just conflicted, everytime i break up with him i always fold and go right back because i feel bad for him and feel like i can’t do this without him. and i truly love him and want things to work but the constant fights kills me. and kills my sex drive as well. we haven’t had sex in a year because i can’t bring myself to and idk why. an then i try to convince myself that the fights aren’t that bad because the good is so good what’s it matter if he yells at me and calls me names. ugh idk it’s all too confusing sometimes. i’m constantly conflicted on if i should stay

tl;dr: conflicted in my long term relationship with bf as result to years of fighting