Found out something after our (25F, 30M) first Valentines together and now I feel shattered.

Last night after what was honestly a beautiful Valentine’s date, I looked through my boyfriend’s phone while he was asleep. The night before I had a dream that we broke up and something in my gut told me to check while I had the opportunity. I wish I hadn’t been right.

I found out he’s been using Grindr.

We spend every day together. We sleep together, go to the gym together, and the only time we’re really apart is when we’re at work. It was our first Valentine’s together, we’ve been dating five months, and I felt so overwhelmed with love that night. I genuinely had that “he’s the one” feeling. I was excited about our future. Hours later absolutely everything crashed.

I’m an immigrant and while I have some family here, I don’t have a big support system. I’ve had a complicated relationship with the city I live in, but when I met him, life here started to feel warm and meaningful. I finally felt at home. He felt like home.

He says he’s never physically cheated and that exchanging pictures with men is just how he masturbates. I had found posts online before and suspected he might be bisexual or questioning. I made it clear he had a safe space with me if he ever wanted to talk about it. He never did. I didn’t push because I felt it was his truth to share in his own time.

He admitted to me that this has been happening since the very beginning of our relationship. I feel so deceived. It hurts that he continued to let me make long term plans like our first holiday away together (which is scheduled for next month) while knowing he was being unfaithful. He would tell me how much he loves me, how he would never cheat, all while being someone else behind his phone. He was so convincing.

I feel crushed. I love him, and I believe he loves me, but clearly there are things he hasn’t faced or shared honestly. And now I don’t know what’s real.

I also carry a lot of guilt. In the heat of the moment, while I was upset, I outed him to his mum and family. They live together and she heard everything. I regret that deeply. I hate that I did that.

This morning I feel physically sick and completely heartbroken. I keep wishing I’ll wake up and this will all just be a bad dream.

I don’t really know what I’m asking for. I just needed to say this somewhere. I just wish I could wake up and have Sunday cuddles in bed with him. I‘m really not ready for this to be the end, but I know that there’s no way probably past this.