Are there spouses of Depressed people here?

For context, my wife has been diagnosed with major depression and ptsd way back, and I tried to sign her up for therapy the full package where it even has a supposedly emergency crisis lines. Which sadly didn’t go the way we wanted to. The sessions were “okay” in unpacking her emotions pero the practicioner was not very proactive sa pagset ng appointments and mahirap i reach out until nag silent quit nalang sila to each other.

And l, the husband is left to deal with it. Which I am very glad to do for my wife and it felt good that I can help in whatever ways I can, though not perfect kasi nga it’s something talaga. For years we do manage to get by and all that.

Fast forward we just had a baby and my wife is dealing with ppd, along with other issues. She is trying so so hard I swear and she’s so strong to fight it despite all the sleep deprivation and all the anxiety of being a new parent.

And a week ago (10 weeks postpartum). Out of nowhere while I was outside I felt sudden emptiness na biglang may tsunami ng sadness, grief, and all the big emotions. I felt like I wanted to scream, cry and throw up. I felt guilty that I bought my wife some flowers on my way back kasi I think I’m losing it. I was supposed to be the strong one saming dalawa. Pero bakit biglang naramdaman kong may something. Alam mo yung having something covered inside your mind, na it’s there pero you never bothered to dig deeper. Tapos biglang naunravel. I don’t even know why I’m sad, what I’m grieving about.

The first things I did when I got home was cried immediately in my wife’s arms for hours. I could feel every inch of my skin and it felt uncomfortable. Parang aware ako sa lahat ng hair sa katawan ko. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. And it’s a very unfamiliar feeling sakin. And it’s something na it’s even sadder kasi I’m supposed to be the strong one. Wala naman akong issues talaga dapat. It only got worse from there. Sleepless nights, lack of appetite, as in for a day, I’d go eating only half ng boiled egg. I dropped 4 kgs in 3 days. Sleep only 2 hours may gising pa yan in between.

It got better naman for a few days and the feeling is back again. My wife has been telling me to get myself checked out pero I was always giving her the comeback na it didn’t work out for her nga eh.

Pero ayon, it’s a different kind of sad knowing that the idea na “ako yung strong one” just collapses

I’m doing my best naman, I feel really really guilty seeing my wife pick up the slack sa house chores when I’m not functional. Yuny crippling guilt when she stays up later at night for thr chores, ako naman hindi rin makatulog kasi iniisip ko sya. Pero I can’t get myself to move.

Aaaaa how to get out of this situation