Depression and Lonliness

I’m a 20 y/o international student. My parents have gathered and saved money for me to be able to go live my best life abroad, yet I feel like i’m cursed.

My whole life, I’ve always felt like I was unlovable not worthy of respect. I always tried my hardest to connect to people from different backgrounds that come from different parts of the world. I’ve tried different methods to make people like me. Some methods have worked, but these people only saw me as a benefit to help them only when they’re in trouble, alone, or in any issue. It’s when it clicked in my head that no matter who I meet, where I meet them, or how that they never want to be close to me.

I won’t say that i’m the ideal christian, but i’ve always tried and learned about God and acted how God would’ve wanted me to act towards others: with love, compassion, and empathy. I never saw people for what type of items they owned or judged anyone negatively based on where they come from. I really would try again and again to connect with people, but it would just feel useless.

I thought that maybe if I would leave my home country and graduate high school, I could explore a new country and meet my “best friends” or people that understand me. It gave me a feeling of hope and I was so excited to leave all the negativity behind. I would constantly pray to get accepted, that my documents would be approved, and that I would feel like I truly belong there.

As I moved to Malaysia, I felt a sense of racism and negative expression towards me. As an Arab christian, I wasn’t allowed to express my love to Jesus publicly or properly connect to God as I grew up in a muslim country. So moving to Malaysia, I thought I could finally connect with God without hiding behind closed doors, trying to find christian friends and people that could maybe relate to me.

Moving to Malaysia was so difficult. I was always belittled and disrespected by strangers, classmates, and sometimes even lecturers. I’ve always tried to be in my best behavior, changing my looks and personality in different ways so that I could perhaps fit in. I was constantly put down, never given the chance for people to get to know me. I tried putting myself out there multiple times, yet every attempt felt like an embarrassing fail. I would try to find common grounds between me and others and getting to know them, yet they wouldn’t try to reciprocate the interaction with me. There have been so many instances where people would just ghost me, ignore me, disrespect me out of no where. I may sound like i’m ignorant but I truly would never do anything to hurt or disrespect anyone. If i ever did anything hurtful, i would definitely agree that i should be ignored and confronted.

Classmate to classmate, failed connection to failed connection, I feel so defeated. I went from feeling blessed for given another chance in life when i first moved to malaysia, to feeling like an unloveable loser as an almost graduating student. Throughout my 3 years of studying abroad, I’ve had multiple health issues that affected my progress in school, and how I was dealing with everything. I’ve lost parts of myself that made me feel less of a man, while feeling unlovable. It all felt like a wave of issues back to back, stacking up over each other. I truly felt like giving up on everything. I would try to always push myself to never lose God, pray daily, and connect to God. I always felt like God was always watching everything happening to me, yet never really lend a hand out to help. Maybe it could be a lesson, or multiple hard lessons, but it sucks so much that I will always feel unlovable. I have always wanted to do touristy things such as exploring the country or trying traditional dishes with people, yet i’m constantly trapped in my apartment not having anyone to save me. I feel so weak that I feel like i need someone to come save me and make my life better, because I can’t hold up the weight of the pain that i’ve been dealing with for years.

I tried praying to God a lot to let me get to know good people. People that would see me for me, not for what i own or how i look like. I would pray that I could explore the country, experience happiness as a young adult before i grow up and get busy with the real world. Sometimes, I even wish that i could just have a meal with someone, to feel seen. i feel like no matter what I do, think, or initiate, none of my dreams would come true. I’ve recess a point where i truly feel unloveable, sort of like a broken human. I’ve always felt like I was different from others, but i never thought it would be in a bad way.

If anyone made it to this part, i’m sorry for ranting and bugging you. I just hope someone could pray for me, to pray that things would get better. I apologize for taking up your time and I hope you have a good day. :)