Questions about love (please be kind) <3

In the spirit of Valentine's Day, I'm going to be a little vulnerable on the internet. I am 26F, living in a major city in the US. I am a lawyer with a good job and enough time to enjoy my life, I live in my own apartment with a cat (15 y/o tortie!), I have a group of close friends that I have fun with and respect in my city and from high school/college. I have a lot of interests, some more built out than others: I'm a huge reader of literary fiction and theory, love to cook, I'm really active and took up running a few years ago. I funded my first solo travel trip to Asia last year! I love trying new things and developing a my personal style as I get older.

The next thing I am about to say is not a "flex," nor something I am particularly proud of, but I'm saying it to provide context: I was a sex worker for two years in law school to put myself through and pay rent. I was very successful and built myself a large nest egg. Close friends know, but other than that very few do. I say this because I have been told my whole life that I am good-looking, and for a while I just didn't believe it and thought "well maybe I'm just not good at sex." I no longer think that is the case.

Now for the meat and potatoes: I've been dating in this city since I left college (for ~6 years). I didn't date a lot in college because I was working and going to class, and I don't love being in settings where most people are inebriated (I drink casually and have enjoyed my fair share of edibles, don't have a problem with alcohol/weed, I just was never comfortable when it was the main event). I also was dealing with the aftermath of being sexually abused by my first boyfriend in high school and didn't want to unnecessarily involve anyone in that.

Needless to say, I have always wanted partnership with a man (I explored my sexuality and am straight). But this is the area of my life that I am consistently struggling in and it's causing me so much pain. I don't think my expectations are terribly high: I want to be attracted to and compatible with someone I'm dating. I want to bring out the best in someone and for them to want that in me. I don't expect us to know whether we want to move in together or getting married or anything big, but I want emotional safety and excitement (not anxiety, but a genuine sense of adventure and curiosity).

I keep encountering the same things, and it's becoming cumulative and devastating. I have dated men age 26-32. There are two avenues I keep going down. Everyone I develop some attraction to ends up saying the same thing, and the ones that seem normal (don't string me along) I don't connect with. I don't think I am attracted to toxicity or anxiety, but I also don't want to be with someone just to have a warm body near me.

In scenario one, I have "chemistry" with someone (AKA I want to have sex with them and get to know them), we go on a flurry of dates, I open up in proportion to what I feel is appropriate (not dumping, just reciprocating how I feel with the information I am given). Then, after a few months, when I bring up that I would like to move forward with exclusivity or something with more direction (literally just wanting to be called a girlfriend), they tell me some variation of "I'm not sure."

Now, this happening once or twice is one thing. But the same thing keeps repeating and I'm the common denominator. I won't keep myself in these situations or participate in my own misery, so obviously I exit gracefully. But the last time this happened was actually with someone I reconnected with. He introduced me to friends/family, said he was having a great time, then a few days later came over and said we should stop because he was not certain about me. I asked if he was attracted to me, felt compatible with me, felt like he had to compromise anything serious to be with me, felt like he could be himself with me, could see himself growing with me. He said he was very attracted to me, felt like we were very compatible, that it was the first time he didn't need to compromise, felt himself, and could see himself growing with me. But it wasn't enough because he wasn't "sure" and that people are supposed to just "know."

Since then, I have been trying to go out with guys who seem normal, seem kind, etc. before I even evaluate things like whether I am attracted to them or have any romantic interest in them. Typically these also end early because both of us feel like we are at a job interview (2 people, able to converse with one another but not really interested in anything further). So this isn't really producing outcomes I want either, and trust me, I have tried to "let it develop" and we both just end up awkward when I don't want to kiss them or go further.

I guess my Big Question is this: are people sacrificing attraction/personal compatibility for stable, kind men (who are few and far between)? Should I expect to feel "certain" in the way these guys want to when they are dating someone? Is it likely I am one of those people who just pursues "toxic" guys because I am coping with something deeper?

I know many people say real love is supposed to feel like relaxing into yourself, feel comfortable and "like home." That's appealing to me! I try to create those conditions when I feel for someone, but they never seem to for me. I go to therapy regularly, not simply to be validated, but to really work through my shit. I read bell hooks, I journal. I'm exasperated and at a loss, could really use some words of wisdom. Thank you.