Childhood trauma from men, misandry, and a phobia of pregnancy/child birth. I feel stuck

I had a deep conversation with a close friend, and some points were brought up to me of things I did not realize I still do.

For context:

I’m a woman in my 20s, and I was the eldest daughter who was pushed to always be responsible.

I grew up with childhood trauma from men who intimidated me with yelling, did not like different opinions from their own, and if you emotionally reacted to something, you got in trouble. If you couldn’t do something right, people yelled at you. I was afraid of having to do a task with the men in my life standing near me because they would yell and be aggressive. I associated men with being something I really hated because I never knew if the men in my childhood would be in a good mood or not, and that they were not safe. Additionally, being told from those men throughout my childhood that women were less than men simply because of gender, men were better leaders, and a woman’s place is in the home. This plus (all of the above I listed) made me develop a deep hatred of men, being a woman, hating things I viewed as “trad wife” (cooking, crafts, anything), and a phobia of pregnancy/child birth because I viewed this as a threat to safety. I always have felt that I have had to work harder to “earn” affection from anyone, not be worthy to just exist as a human with imperfections, and that if I made mistakes, something was horribly wrong with me.

From this conversation, I realized that I carry this pain around with me 24/7, and engage with the world through this trauma lens. Every chance I get, I try to numb out the pain with things that distract me (like learning a bunch of random things, crafting, etc); not because I am really enjoying it, but because it lets me numb out. I used to do bad coping things (ED and SH), but through therapy and working with my doctor, I do not do either of those things anymore (3+ years!). Now, I fixate on trying to fix myself, and I keep people an arms length away from me. I would say that is the unhealthy coping skill :/

To even acknowledge that men put me on edge, they trigger me, and that I don’t like them at all most of the time drives me nuts. If I’m triggered, I tend to lash out, be cold, and I don’t let myself not strive for perfection. This applies to men and women, but especially men. If I’m perfect or don’t have a reason for people to “attack me”, I’m safe. I keep people (men and women) the hell away from me with a ten foot pole. It takes me a long time to trust people, build friendships, and open up even a little bit.

I absolutely hate this, and it makes me mad at myself that this crap still plagues me as an adult.

I’ve been in therapy for a long time, and I have made a lot of progress. I also tend to over intellectualize everything in therapy, so yay! I don’t know if I have CPTSD, but I resonate with a lot of the experiences that people who have been diagnosed with it have shared. If this doesn’t make sense or seems to not be the best relatable thread to post in, I’m sorry. I needed to get this out of my mind for a bit.