what the fuck

hi. i posted here before but i need to add something because it’s been eating at me.

i’m a senior. which makes everything feel 10x heavier. every grade feels like it decides my entire future. every mistake feels permanent.

my grades aren’t objectively bad. i’m excelling in almost everything except math where i have a 6/20 and it makes me feel intellectually stupid. like maybe i’m not as smart as people think. and it’s senior year so it feels catastrophic.

i’m constantly arguing with my parents about my future because i’m being pushed into science when i know i’m more of a literature person. but in my house humanities basically equals failure. so i feel trapped between what i love and what i’m “allowed” to do.

socially i feel lonely. people talk to me all the time but mostly to vent. i listen to everyone. i absorb everything. but i don’t feel like i can unload on anyone the same way. i don’t feel like anyone actually wants to hear me.

and here’s the part that’s really messing with my head. this girl who used to be my friend has struggled with mental health. everyone knows that. but recently it feels like she’s using it as an excuse to cheat and skip exams. she doesn’t show up, then somehow gets access to the paper beforehand and studies it. and when people question it, it’s brushed off because “she’s not well.”

the thing is… i also struggle with mental illness. and i still show up. i still study. i still take the hit when i fail. we all have bad days. i do too. but cheating and using mental health as a shield when it’s obvious just feels wrong. and it makes me feel bitter and guilty at the same time.

i already feel lonely, not pretty, not smart enough, and now i just feel exhausted.

i don’t even know what i’m asking for. maybe i just needed to say it somewhere.