I [18f] need advice on how to see a successful relationship

I have been in may relationships and they have all failed. Mostly because I end up ghosting them,breaking up, or just doing things to make the break up with me. I know that’s super toxic and mean but I get super nervous overwhelmed and icky when it gets to a certain point in the relationship. I think you could call that noncommittal but I honestly want to end up with someone it’s just not working

I think one of the reasons why is I struggle with not being in an equal relationship dynamic. Stay with me now. I have watched many MLM shows and I am obsessed the most recently being heated rivalry. It’s because theirs not already any gender expectations you could say and it really speaks to me in a way. I am not interested in any LGTBQ relationships I am straight and only attracted to males.(I am a alley)

I guess what I need help with is how can I stop ghosting these boys, have a successful relationship,and get in a relationship with no gender expectations. Also how would I go about finding one.

TL;DR: I struggle with relationships usually end up ghosting my parents. I want a relationship where there’s no gender bias and I don’t get an icky feeling and the relationship.