Never gonna see sexual things normally again.

Tw for mentions of cutting and the obvious

In my brain, anything sexual should be inherently exploitative in some way, whether it’s a large age gap, or I’m being coerced, because that’s all I’ve known. I don’t think I could have anything sexual while it also being fully consensual and with somebody my own age, because I’d feel guilty and wrong about actually wanting it and not being a victim in the situation, I don’t know if that makes sense. That’s part of why I don’t think I could be in a serious relationship with someone non-abusive my own age, because it wouldn’t feel wrong or immoral, and somehow that’s the part that feels wrong. It’s so weird how grooming changes you, wrong feels right and right feels wrong. I just like knowing what I’m doing isn’t okay.

Even though I was groomed and introduced to sexual stuff (as in one on one conversation, not content) at 12-13 for the first time, I don’t think I should feel this way, I wasn’t raped of anything of the sort, and I don’t think what happened to me is “enough” to warrant seeing things this way.

One of the things that happened to me is that when I was 13, an older (20-21) man encouraged me to cut myself for his viewing pleasure, and as much as I like to pose it as some terrible thing, it’s not like I refused, or felt pressured, or even disliked it. I enjoyed knowing it was wrong, and the rush I felt I got. I experienced more that probably wasn’t the best for my brain, but I’m not gonna mention it in this post because I don’t know if it’d be acceptable.

I don’t hear anybody talking about feeling this way, but If anybody does, tell me, I feel kind of gross for it.