Thinking about friends and now im having a psychotic breakdown and I cant stop cutting :(

I hate this. None of my friends are my best friends. I want no friends now because I hate how me and my friends dont do any best friend shit.

We dont text 24/7, or call, or make plans to hang out one on one or at all, we don't do anything. we dont talk about our feelings or give eachother the 'bestfriend look' or any of that shit and i know its because im an unlovable piece of shit so now im having im having a psychotic breakdown and cutting like crazy. I relapsed yesterday and I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

I hate that my friends are all so close and do all the typical best friend shit while they dont with me since i'm an awkward weirdo that cant communicate and just takes up space. I'm so tired of walking behind my friends and juat observing them. I'm so tired of hearing all the plans they have together and all the 'ughhh I wish _____ was here rn' while im supposed to be their friend. I hate how alone I feel and I hate how i cant get rid of my sh habits. it feels like I deserve to bleed and I just want to die.

I need everything to stop right now my heart hurts and I cant even breathe and I jusf want to feel like someone's best friend for ONCE. Just once in my life. God im such a pathetic piece of shit. I hate me.