It’s hard for me to accept that my husband actually loves me and it HURTS

We’ve been together for 18 years and married for 15, and tonight I’m sitting here with his head in my lap as we watch TV holding back tears because I’m convinced there’s no way he actually wants to be with me.

It’s SO DUMB and I’m sick of carrying around this horrible feeling - it’s like logically I understand he loves me, and I feel love for him, but I just can’t accept that he truly likes / loves me. Which is again, so dumb, because he is the most honest and straightforward person I know.

I’ve told him I feel this way and he always reassures me, but it then I just get even more upset because it doesn’t help. I also have this same feeling about all of my friends - that they don’t really like me and they’re just playing along (why?????).

Does anyone else have these feelings? Do you have any advice for how to get over this? I’ve had a ton of therapy over the years but I’m not in it right now (finances). I hate feeling this way 😭