my family sucks :/ [tw: self harm]

throwaway account, dont want my friends to know shit ig. so i'm 14f and i live in the us if it matters. i started sh (cutting mostly) when i was 12 due to mental/social struggles with my friends and mostly family. i felt unloved, i felt uncared for, and i thought that i had no one to talk to about how i was feeling. i eventually stopped almost a year ago, february 27th to be exact, because i was starting to feel much, much better about myself (and i lost my blade at TSA in april :P).

but lately i've been feeling horrible about myself again, like i'm not good enough for my parents or anyone, so to handle it, i spoke up for myself and told my swim coach. he told my parents. i honestly should have expected it, it's his job, but when they found out they were furious that i tlf him and not them, but also strange/y supportive for like a day, then they dismissed it saying that my feelings we're just "hormones". they have also been making snide comments about it when i do something they dont like, or get unhappy, like: "but clearly [name] has other people she tells about her life, so i guess it doesn't matter." and it hurts a lot because i feel like i shouldn't have even told anyone in the first place. i

've also been drifting apart from my friends, and only really have a few people online that i can talk to, and i dont even want to tell them the full story because i'll be a burden, and dont know who else to talk to. all day today, my parents and sister were giving me shit for being upstairs in my room and doing homework, and not "spending time" with them. i should also mention i dont have a phone like most kids my age, and i am also constantly made fun of for that by my OWN FAMILY. i dont feel like a person around them. its like they obsess over the IDEA of what i could be and not the actual me, and that stings yk?

it's gotten to the point where i've been trying to disassemble razors and start cutting again, because what does it matter? maybe i should just kill myself, because no one seems to fucking care.