[F4M] 21 - it’s so hard to stop thinking about you - Session: below

especially days like today. when i’m reminded that someone else is supposed to fill my thoughts. someone else is supposed to make happy, and what i want just can’t be had…

it’s easy while you’re away at work. i can breathe without feeling the guilt for my desire. but, when you come home, when you walk through the front door, it all falls apart. i can’t relax or think about anything else. i usually retreat to my room or try to avoid you, what i’m sure you’ve just chalked up to being some kind of phase.

though sometimes, i find myself where i do now.

in the garage, i sit atop the old couch. one of my blankets rests between me and the torn fabric seats, and i slump into the warmth. steadily, i’m trying to build a numbing buzz. a joint burns between my fingers and i’ve stolen a few beers out of the fridge. not your favorite, but the cheap ones shoved in the back i know you’ll never touch. all i want is some peace for the first time today, and even though you went to your room straight after dinner, this seems to be the only way i can find it.

nevertheless, i find myself dwelling.

over the fact that i feel so strongly for you, when i know it’s more than wrong. over the fact i know you’re lonely today, and missing mom. it all swirls in my head and builds as the minutes tick on, leaving me a storm of desire, guilt, and a particular sense of longing… when will it stop? i ask myself constantly.

will i ever stop feeling the wrong kind of love for you?

ID: 0599dc4b5bfc4a83159ae297db04fc4efb01a5464ac975a660bf9abddbaa352134